Your Ad Here, And Here...

March 2001

We all wade through a flood of advertising every day. We learn to tune out most of it, sometimes with the help modern tools like VCRs and Internet TV services. Madison Avenue, however, has noticed we're not noticing them. Advertisers are finding new ways to get their messages to us that can't be ignored with a fast-forward button or by turning a page.

A recent AP article tells of a yuppie couple who acquired corporate sponsorship of their wedding reception. A new trend with upscale knot-tiers, the engaged entrepreneurs sold ad space on their wedding invitations and table cards, and allowed the companies to set up booths at the reception to hawk their wares. "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Corporate...but first, a word from Dr. Scholl's, the best answer for wedding-day cold feet."

Another news item covered a new proposed location for ads: the exposed midriffs of certain professional football cheerleaders. I'm sure some questions have come up with this plan. What products are best sold on the gyrating torso of a cheerleader? Who gets to apply the abs ads to the cheerleaders? And how do I sign up for that position? I'm not really sure who these ads are for. The women won't be looking at the cheerleaders and the men definitely won't be staring at a tummy logo for Domino's Pizza.

Here in NJ, an enterprising man invented a new way to sell ad space at the beach by making the beach the ad. A special trailer dragged over the morning sand leaves 3-D imprints of a product to assault the eyes of morning beach-goers. (Skippy peanut butter is a recent example. See the attached pic.) I feel sorry for some artist who arrives at dawn to paint an ocean-side sunrise and takes home a finished canvas with "Ex-Lax" wallpapered all over it.

Product placement in movies and on TV has been done for years, but now it's gone one step further on reality shows like "Survivor." Soft drinks and treats are offered as prizes for "challenges" so they can show famous non-actors in ecstasy over the products. So I guess the message is "when you're stranded on a hostile island with only bugs and dirt to eat, nothing refreshes better than a Mountain Dew."

Companies are sponsoring and changing the names of sports stadiums to make them part of the company's brand. If this trend escalates to other major landmarks, the McDonald's company will be painting the St. Louis Arch bright yellow and building a second one next to it, and the Trojan Condoms folks will be sponsoring a giant latex sheath to be fitted over the Washington Monument.

Isn't it about time we all say enough to this sort of thing? Why would I suddenly want to eat peanut butter just because I saw it written on the beach? (A tip, keep your PB off the beach. One sandcastle and a sudden breeze, and your "creamy" style turns to "crunchy.") Do I really want to shop for a better long distance plan in-between the garter tossing and the Hokey Pokey? Can I really find a reliable banker etched on the body of someone who waves pom-poms for a living?

Maybe I should be insulted advertisers think we're dumb enough to fall for these tricks. Maybe I should be afraid there might be some IQ-free body out there who might say, "Wow, Hoover Dam is so big. That's strange, I suddenly have the urge for a refreshing Starbucks Frappaccino." Maybe I should cash in, shave my head and sell the space on my scalp to the Turtle Wax people: "If we can bring out the shine HERE, imagine what we can do with your car!"

Before deciding, I think I'll pause a moment for a twelve-ounce message from Budweiser, the official beer of cranky online humor columnists. We'll be right back.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."