Cloning Around

April 1997

A little piece of science fiction became science fact this month, and her name is Dolly, the sheep heard 'round the world. Dolly, of course, is the first cloned adult mammal in history, a "new ewe," if you will. Life imitated Art -- well, imitated "Jurassic Park," anyway -- when the news sparked a heated debate over the ethics of eventually cloning human beings. The President, possibly worried that it might produce even more people taking legal action against him, requested a moratorium on human experiments, but the debate continues. Both the "Shoulds" and the "Should-nots" have strong arguments, but I have to side with the "Nots," since there are some things we should think about.

First, why do we need to clone anyone or anything in the first place? Does the Earth really need more people? Imagine going to a promising job interview, only to find "you" there already. And if you think it's hard to find good parking now, just wait. With 5 billion people currently on this world, we need to hang the "No Vacancy" sign on Earth's check-in desk.

I can't even come up with a reason to clone animals. Perhaps Hollywood wants to film three "Babe" sequels simultaneously. Maybe someone aspiring Dr. Moreau will twist DNA like a Rubik's Cube and create strange new animals that would make even the platypus say, in its own duck-billed egg-laying mammal way, "Man, do YOU look weird!"

If we do start cloning people, who among us would be accepted? There are some people I can't stand dealing with singularly, never mind as a brigade. Imagine multiples of that jerk who cut you off on the highway this morning. Multiple Rush Limbaughs. David Hasselhoffs. I shudder to think. Should we trust the government to choose for us? I'd hate to think the responsibility would fall to some underpaid civil servant who gets to decide if your life is worth Xeroxing.

Once the process is commonplace, who would do the actual cloning? Government-run cloning facilities sounds a little too "X-Files" for me. And businesses are downsizing to get less people on the books, not make more of them. That would leave it in the hands of the public. Maybe someday, anyone can go to the local "Clones 'R' Us," pick up an "Instant Pal" Biochemistry Kit, and give the expression "Be your own best friend" an entirely new meaning. Students would be introduced to the new science in school, like Computer Science is today:

"Johnny! Are you replicating up there again?"

"But Mom, it's for school!"

"Oh, all right, then tell your new brother to stop shouting, he'll wake up Jennys 1, 2, and 3. And tell your fathers to go take out the trash!"

But I think the big problem is that all the money and effort we've spent learning how to duplicate living things (then debate about it) yields no improvement for the living things already here. Maybe if scientists spent research and resources utilizing their achievements for the benefit of those of us who arrived without the use of a Petri dish, we could make the planet a better place before we add new passengers.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

These Days Home

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."