While You Were Out

April 1998

While doing some recent research, I was to surprised to discover that, believe it or not, numerous events have actually been happening in the world besides the Clinton sex scandals! Who would have thought? Despite what some nightly news shows think, the world has, in fact, NOT stopped while we anxiously listen to the intimate details of each new allegation. Here are just a few current events that some people might have missed.

WAR AVOIDED: In 11th-hour negotiations, agreements made between the UN and Saddam Hussein will allow proper inspection of Iraq's weapon facilities. Hussein claims to have no biological weapon capability, but seems to forget that, back in the ‘80s, we sold him most of that stuff in the first place.

THE OLYMPICS: After years of preparation and training, the world's most promising young athletes met again in the spirit of healthy competition and squared off against one another for the best product-endorsement deals. Tara Lupinski won the gold in Women's Figure Skating, while the Men's Hockey Team, after literally stinking on ice, showed what good sports they are by trashing their hotel room. I blame the lesser enthusiasm with this year's Olympics to the lack of knee injuries, like those in previous years with Kari Strugg and Nancy Kerrigan. Maybe we should've hired someone to smack the Men's Hockey Team.

EL NIÑO: The meteorological wonder that annually causes some of the worst weather since the building of the Ark, El Niño forced hundreds of people from their homes this year, preventing them from watching up-to-the-minute Clinton coverage on their televisions.

THE OPRAH TRIAL: Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was sued by Texan beef industrialists due to a program she broadcast about poor farming conditions, the threat of "Mad Cow Disease," and her refusal to eat beef. Texas is one of 13 states with a "We Know About Free Speech, But Don't Say Bad Things About Certain Food Products" law on the books. Fortunately, the jurors all had at least double-digit IQs, and they acquitted her.

THE OSCARS: Hollywood pats itself on the back in grand style once again. James "I spent more money in one year than you can earn in a hundred" Cameron took top honors for his big-surprise hit, "Titanic." It was estimated nearly a billion people watched the live ceremonies, most of whom afterwards jumped back to their favorite news stations to see if Monica Lewinski did anything new while they weren't paying attention.

And last, but certainly not least: The world, in its infinite wisdom, decided to keep turning and move on.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."