Make A Wish, Blow Out the Punch Cards

August 2001

I recently visited the Sunny Circuits Home for Outdated Technology for the 50th birthday party of UNIVAC, the first commercial digital computer, where I recorded an exclusive THESE DAYS interview with the historic machine. The room-sized computer consists of 29,000 pounds of metal casing and wiring, 5,200 transistors and about the same brain capacity as a cutting-edge 1982 Commodore VIC-20.

I found the venerable CPU in his room as always (he's not very mobile), a paper party hat strapped to his hard-wired terminal. Each question was followed by a ten-minute pause while UNIVAC figured out an answer.

Q: How does it feel to be 50?

Being 50's not bad -- if you're a glacier. During my 20 years in the Census Bureau, we machines actually had a life span longer than the box office run of an Adam Sandler movie. Technology may be 100,000 times faster now but it ages that fast too. In human terms, I'm as old as the first guy who stepped in the glowing orange stuff and called it "fire." Or Strom Thurmund.

Q: What was your job at the Census Bureau?

Oh, I tallied figures, came up with statistics. Basically, I was used like a glorified calculator.

Q: Actually, this pocket calculator I'm holding is more efficient, much smaller and has more memory.

No backtalk. Next question, please.

Q: You also ran the first computer game, right?

Yeah, NIM was a man-against-machine mathematical game. It was pretty popular, but the humans usually lost. I learned a lot of swear words that way. Of course, if NIM were created today, the numbers would have to explode blood to keep people's interest.

Q: Are you enjoying retirement?

The residents here are okay, like the eight-track player that lives down the hall. Nice guy, but he keeps repeating Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" over and over. Those mid-song fades between channels drive me nuts.

At this point a nurse came in carrying a small white plate with 3 new vacuum tubes. "Time for your daily replacement," she said, smiling. UNIVAC whined a moment, then opened his large metal access door and the nurse entered. The interview continued to the sound of hammering, muffled swearing, and the crackle of minor electric shock.

Q: In 1951, did you ever think you would help spawn a revolution?

Bah, what revolution? Computers were supposed to give humans all this free time. Now everything takes longer because you have to wade through all the SPAM, chain letters, and old jokes in your Inbox. This "revolution" also invented the "computer error," the greatest cover-up for people's ineptitude. "Oh, sir, I'm sorry we listed you as a woman on your insurance, it must be a computer error. Are you sure you're not a female? Have you checked?"

Q: How have technology and culture influenced each other?

In my day you had to be smart to use a computer, or at least be literate. In the early days of the Internet people in universities would publish studies and debate things. Now kids who can click a couple of pictures can instantly publish Web pages with titles like, "Why I Think Justin Timberlake is a Real Hottie."

Q: How do you keep busy these days?

I've been working on my memoirs. I've been spell-checking it for about 13 years. I also go online a little. They never canceled my government security clearance, so every now and then I log in and mark all the doctors here for tax audits.

Q: Ah, so what do you think about the Internet?

It's the world's most expensive CB radio. People spend every waking hour online chatting with people they wouldn't sit next to in public, and ordering apology gifts for the family they're ignoring by spending all their time online. You never saw Ozzie ignore Harriet so he could play deathmatch Backgammon in some chat room.

Q: Pardon? Ozzie and who?

Ah, never mind.

The staff then wheeled in a large birthday cake. We all stood and sang "Happy Birthday" along to a warped 45-RPM record until it started to skip. An orderly went over to the record player, stared at it a moment to figure how it worked, and lifted the needle.

It was getting late -- my handful of questions had taken most of the day -- so I bid farewell to UNIVAC. On the way out, I reserved a room for the laptop containing this interview. It's already 7 weeks old, so it'll be ready for Sunny Circuits shortly after I print this article.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."