And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor

August 1998

You may have noticed the flood of new TV and radio ads that are announcing a new generation of miracle drugs to help one stop smoking, re-grow hair, and lose weight. In the middle of the snappy voice-over, upbeat theme music, and smiling faces, the ads list a bunch of legal disclaimers like "some users may experience minor side effects such as dizziness, headaches, fatigue, dementia, loss of limbs, or the urge to guest on the Jerry Springer show."

As scary as those disclaimers are, I like them. It's good to have a little reality in advertising now and then. In fact, we should expand that idea into non-pharmaceutical advertising as well. Here are some ideas:

FAST FOOD: "The amount of grease in a single serving of our products can lube your car. Despite the happy clowns and cartoon characters in our ads, our minimum-wage counter worker will be about as happy to see you as you are to see your in-laws at your door early Sunday morning."

CARS: "90% of new-car drivers will never get the thrill of driving our cars top-speed on those lonely winding desert roads we like to show you. Most will end up stuck in traffic with their first case of road rage before the new-car smell has faded."

GREETING CARDS: "Card senders should be advised that signing one's name to the bottom of any of our cards doesn't absolve months of neglect to loved ones."

SOFT DRINKS: "You will not sing like a millionaire pop star or shoot free-throws like a pro athlete after drinking our beverage. Once you come down from the sugar and caffeine rush, the closest you'll get to achieving either vocation will be watching them on TV while you drink more soda."

FASHION/COLOGNE: "Our products may not improve your relations with the opposite sex if you have the facial features of a rabid yak or the hygiene habits of a Montana militia member. If you have any questions, please consult your mirror."

WEIGHT-LOSS CENTERS: "The successful clients depicted here are extreme cases whose results can't be duplicated without the use of surgery or carnival mirrors. Some will gain their weight back once they stop consuming our Lilliputian portions and resume their 'bucket o' chicken a day' lifestyle."

CIGARETTES: "Anyone who can smoke enough packs to cash in coupons for the expensive sports gear in our prize catalog will no longer be healthy enough to use it."

BEER: "Sucking down our suds will not heighten one's sex appeal or caliber of friends. The ability to play sports on mountaintops is not improved with our product. Product may also impair vision, such as when choosing someone to leave the bar with."

POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS: "If elected, this representative may possibly renege on all promises made in the last six months. Large amounts of PAC money or corporate 'contributions' may affect his decision-making process."

See how easy it is? I'm writing Washington to ask for mandatory disclaimers on every advertised product...just as soon as I get back from my "Springer" appearance.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."