The Phantom Critic Menace

June 2001

Truth in advertising recently took a couple of nasty hits from Hollywood. Newsweek revealed several film studios were promoting their latest celluloid disasterpieces with TV commercials using paid actors as "real" moviegoers to praise flicks they had supposedly just seen. In hindsight, it makes sense you'd have to pay someone to get on TV and say, "'Big Momma's House 2'...I laughed! I cried! Get me a ticket for 'Big Momma 3' right now."

Shortly after, Sony Motion Pictures was caught using ads that quoted reviews by Dave Manning, a movie reviewer for Connecticut's Ridgefield Press. The minor problem with this is Dave Manning isn't a real person. I have my suspicions there are actually a lot of fake people in the movie business, but that's another rant entirely.

Since last July, Mr. Manning's "reviews" have hyped a number of new releases to pump up ticket sales. A recent rave gushed actor Heath Ledger of "A Knight's Tale" is "the year's hottest star!" Another said, "The producing team of Big Daddy has delivered another winner!" for "The Animal." Yes, "The Animal." Now you can see the problem. Anyone who goes into raptures over this kind of "oeuvre de toilet" is either imaginary, lying, or in need of several thousand watts to the head.

In response, as a These Days exclusive, Dave Manning issued the following imaginary statement through his fictitious agent: "I apologize for my skewed reviews on several awful movies. I was not trying to mislead anyone. Honestly, I figured most people would've figured out I wasn't a real critic. I mean, c'mon, I praised a Rob Schneider movie. Would any real person do that? No one would really write a rave review of 'The Hollow Man' or 'Vertical Limit' either. It's a good thing I don't exist, because if I did, those reviews would be really embarrassing."

Two moviegoers have brought a class-action lawsuit against Sony for the millions who were duped into seeing the summer stinkers because of Manning's praises. Sony responded by pulling all the phony ads and promising an internal investigation. Sounds a little like saying, "I promise, I've learned my lesson. I'll never do it again. Really. The shame I feel is punishment enough. Can I go now?"

We're all used to hearing advertisers crow their products are the greatest things created since the opposite sex. But we also expect to find some modicum of truth somewhere in that mound of cattle cookies. ("Crapco's new Device-o-Matic prepares dinner in just 20 seconds flat! It also balances your checkbook, dresses the kids for school, and clears even the worst acne." Fine print: "Your results may vary.") We know we're being sold. We don't like it, but we know what we're getting. There's a difference between a handful of hyperbole and shovel of sh...er, something else.

Why not just come clean with us? I'm sure we can take it. It would be great to see completely honest ads like: "'Friday the Thirteenth Part XXXVIII.' Yeah, Jason's back. Again. It was best thing we could come up with, okay? Take pity on us and see it. Pretty please?" I'd line up and buy a ticket just to say thanks for the breath of fresh air over the usual smell of blown smoke.

And that's how we can help. Those movie tickets are $9 votes. If we resist the impulse to go see "Family Feud: The Motion Picture" just because Hugh Paymenow of the Hackwriter's Journal Weekly says it's the pinnacle of cinematic achievement, maybe those movie marketeers will get the message that we don't like being lied to. If we can convince filmfolk to put all that imagination into their movies rather than cheap tricks, they just might come up with a unique and original opus that would satisfy us longer than the concession stand's $49.98 tub of popcorn.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."