CAUTION! Hazardous Words!

November 2001

I recently received a letter by a very upset woman who says the collection of columns on my Web site is "potentially harmful to readers who don't understand your work is not meant to be taken seriously." I had always thought THESE DAYS was pretty self-explanatory -- even if you ignore the word HUMOR at the top of the page, anyone who writes interviews with imaginary people and nominations for Linda Tripp for President is either kidding, insane, or both. (I'll leave that judgement up to you, dear reader.) Since I don't want to shirk my journalistic responsibility, however, I did some research.

I consulted the THESE DAYS Legal Department -- well, some lawyer guy who answered the phone at 3 AM at 1-800-DONT-SUE. He advised me that the new Cranky Columnist Right-To-Know Law requires me to disclose any side effects that might be experienced after reading my articles. So here, in the interest of public safety, is the official THESE DAYS Wellness Disclosure and Health Advisory.

DOSAGE: One article, to be taken with a grain of salt.

INSTRUCTIONS: THESE DAYS, in both its online or in-print forms, is to be taken internally through the eyes into the brain. Attempts to apply THESE DAYS to the brain through the scalp will cause headaches from banging the head against the computer monitor or tabletop.

RESULTS: Studies with laboratory mice indicate that THESE DAYS may produce large amounts of positive karma, a better caliber of friends, and a high-level of oneness with the universe, but we can't prove that yet. Your humor mileage may vary.

WARNING: May be habit-forming. Discontinue use if you begin to speak like a THESE DAYS column (esoteric pop references, poorly-understood ideas, etc.). If symptoms continue, consult your doctor. If you can't consult your doctor, consult your pet. If you have no pets, go to the nearest pet store, buy a pet and consult with it. If your pet begins to speak back to you, seek counseling immediately.

People who dislike the column may experience other minor side effects such as rabies, unceasing nausea, lunar howling, and the need to play Abba albums backwards to listen for the hidden satanic messages. (Oh, they're in there, trust me.) These negative effects are the result of an ancient voodoo curse placed on anyone who takes the column way too seriously. The cure is to develop a sense of humor.

You may develop a cynical, twisted view of the world and the people in it. This has nothing to do with THESE DAYS. It is because many of people you will come in contact with during daily life are, in professional writer-critic terms, "total morons." We assume no responsibility if you develop a strong desire to assault these people with a rolled-up newspaper, Louisville Slugger, your care in high gear, etc. We all feel like that sometimes, and THESE DAYS does not encourage those urges. (We understand them, but that won't get us sued.)

Please enjoy THESE DAYS responsibly. Do not take this product while driving, operating heavy equipment, or piloting a space shuttle. In fact, if you are busy reading anything while doing any of these activities, you'd do the rest of us a favor by driving your respective vehicle into the nearest embankment, cliffside, or asteroid (whatever is more convenient) and taking yourself out of the gene pool. This is not an endorsement by THESE DAYS of that sort of action, just a friendly suggestion on behalf of Humanity.

There, that should do it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take some aspirin. No one told me that placing your tongue in your cheek for so long causes mouth cramps. Maybe we need a warning sticker for that too.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."