The Return of Saturn

May 2001

Age is a strange thing. It's difficult to feel yourself growing older, especially in the extended-kid years after high school. I spent most of my twenties convincing myself, "I'm not getting old. THIRTY is old. I won't be old for a long time."

Then I hit thirty. Then I had kids of my own. Amazing how life has a way of smacking you out of denial. Life said, "Guess what, Dan, you're not a kid anymore. Time to wake up and smell the 401(k)." I'm too young for a Mid-Life Crisis yet. I think, to put it in hockey terms, it was more of a First Period Crisis.

And now at thirty-three, I try to appreciate where I am on my life-trail instead of how many footprints I‘ve left, because certain days remind me my rock-and-roll-all-night days are behind me. Here's an example.

I woke up early one morning to the demon sound of the alarm clock. The first thought in my head (after the urge to perform electronicide on my clock) was, "Hi! This is Dan's back. I'm out right now, but if you leave your name, I'll get BACK to you. Ha ha! A little back humor." Yes, very little. Damn vertebrae can be so cruel.

I made it to the bathroom without the assistance of a spine. Drawing in a breath of courage, I looked at the hairline in the mirror. The grays had started in front. The younger, darker hair has been putting up a good fight, but some have gone Kamikaze to avoid being captured by the enemy. I've been marking the migration of the follicle fallback, and told people the black tic-marks along the side of my skull are tattoos.

The morning e-mail included a friendly message from a life insurance company. "It's never too early to think what will happen to your loved ones when you're gone. You might think you're healthy, but you could kick at any moment. Trust us, we're trained professionals. And let's face facts, bud, you're not doing your heart any good with that buttered bagel you're eating right now." Man, those marketing guys are good.

On the drive to the chiropractor's, I found a new "all-80's" radio station. I'm not sure when my adolescence became a music format, but there it was, hosted by a DJ who sounded older than my father. I turned off the car and went in to see the doctor, who is five years younger than I. Not that a young doctor is a problem, I've just never had a doctor who can hold in-depth discussions on the latest "Playstation 2" games.

Heading home, a pretty eighteen year-old woman asked me for directions to a local clothing store that caters to the 'Nsync set. "Excuse me, SIR..." I hate the S-word. The S-word is reserved for people twice your age. Then it hit me...I am twice her age.

After I directed her, she smiled, mentioned she was glad someone MY AGE knew where the store was, and said thanks before driving off. At least I assume she did, I blacked out after that last comment.

Later that day, my wife casually mentioned about enrolling my daughter in kindergarten next year. I thought, there's no way I can already be the parent of a school-age child. This is my little girl I brought home from the hospital just last week, who learned to walk yesterday and learned to talk an hour ago. I suddenly had the melody from "Sunrise, Sunset" running through my head and had to lie down.

On days like these, it's important to remind myself that being an adult isn't that bad. My wife has graciously saved me from the hell of the modern dating scene. I don’t get carded when I go out. I don't pretend to be cooler than I really am to have my friends accept me. And if someone asks me to do something that involves heavy lifting, I say, "Ooh! There goes my back again," and they walk away without question. Heck, the Founding Fathers believed you weren't ready to be President until thirty-five, and they only lived to be about thirty-six.

So now I try not to worry about the time that's passed by. When I look into my kids' eyes, I see the future, and I'm pretty darn proud to be part of it.

Besides, I'm not getting old. FORTY is old. I won't be old for a long time.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."