The Fandom Menace

May 1999

Okay, I admit it. I'm a Star Wars nut and I'm caught up in the hype about the release of Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I've been a sci-fi fan ever since I laid eyes on "A New Hope." I've been waiting for months now to see the new flick and have plunked down several sheckles for magazines that feature George Lucas's mug on the front cover to get the background skinny on the new chapter. There, I've said it and I'm comfortable with it.

That being said, I'd like to ask some of my fellow Lucasites out there just what the hell they're doing. Devout followers of the Force have been camping out in front of their favorite 20-screen all-Skywalker-all-the-time cineplex for up to A FULL MONTH BEFORE the movie hits the screen. This is not people waiting for a gala premiere or a chance to shake hands with Jar Jar Binks; they are waiting in line for movie tickets. Let's repeat that again: movie tickets. Granted, that's only about ten minutes longer than any attraction line at Walt Disney World, but at least the theme park will provide you shelter from the elements while the herd crawls forward.

The worst part is the media coverage. News programs have been trolling for nerds they can put on TV to show how silly science fiction fans can be. These are the same cameras that captured last year's Running of the Nerds stampede at Microsoft's midnight release of Windows 98, or go searching local 'Trek conventions for the overweight human acne experiment wearing the Spock ears and an ill-fitting Starfleet uniform.

What the tricorder-carrying fanatics don't understand is that OD'ing on escapism only gets one further ostricized from those he/she is escaping. The kind of people who don't see the value in a mint Buffy action figure or a set of pewter Dalek minatures. You can't list on a résumé your efforts to thwart the Vorlon overthrow of your fan club's balance of power.

Therefore, I'd just like to assure all those aspiring Jedi knights out there that the movie isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Everybody knows the flick will break records, so I'm sure it won't be heading for Starbase Video Rental too quickly. The altar leading to the big-budget cash cow will be open as long as there are worshippers willing to step up and plunk down their $7.50 sacrifice. Trust me, there's plenty of time for all of us to contribute to that new 200-acre addition to Mr. Lucas's ranch, and still not be seen as intergalactic wing-nuts in need of a Dark Side deprogrammer.

So hear ye, all planets of the Solar Federation. This message is from one of your own who managed to discover that girls, going outside, social activity with non-virtual companions, and hygeine are all compatible with science fiction fandom. There's still a chance to come in from the cold. Put down the lightsaber, get your sleeping bag off the pavement, and stop resisting assimilation into the population of Planet Reality. Obi-wan would've wanted it that way.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."