Can You Hear Me Now?...[Click]

November 2003

It usually happens at dinner time. The family's about to dig in to their Kibbles n' Bits when the phone rings. A robot asks me to "please hold for an important message," so I wait just in case it's bad news (someone died) or good news (someone died and left me a lot of money). After waiting long enough for dinner to be classified as leftovers, an operator comes on the line: "Good evening, sir-or-madam, I'd like to tell you about a great opportunity in our home based slaughterhouse business..."

Yes, I'd been stung by another telemarketer. Like so many people, I thought there would never be a way to stop these unsolicited solicitors. But now, the government has signed into law a new Do Not Call List. People can add their names to the list to protect themselves from intrusive sales calls. Sort of like having Mr. Sulu raise the shields around your phone because the Klingons are coming to sell you more discount dilithium.

Most people are pretty happy about the Do Not Call list. Except for the telemarketers, who have been fighting it for months, claiming it infringes on their free speech. This argument is, in lawyer terms, "a complete load of horsepucky." Americans are free to say whatever we want, but I can't barge into your home uninvited and voice my opinions on, say, Jennifer Lopez's body parts. Well, unless I want to go to court all over again. (Stupid restraining orders.)

Personally, I think the Do Not Call List is a great idea. In fact, I think the List should be expanded way beyond just telemarketers and phone hucksters. Here are a few other groups that should be added.

Leechy Friends: People you know who will be your devoted friend through better or worse. Well, mostly worse, as long as it's theirs. These folks miraculously remember their friendship with you -- and your phone number -- whenever they need a favor, a ride, moving assistance, bail money, or a spare couple pints of blood. "Hey, bud, I know it's 2AM, but I had a few too many tequilas, and I can't find my car. Can you come pick me up? I'm in Tijuana. You'll need to pick up my dry cleaning on the way."

Jobs: Some employers think nothing of calling at midnight and ask you to "throw together" a 13-volume report of every employee's 2002 coffee consumption. ("No rush, by sunrise would be just fine.") Or, if your collar is of the bluer variety, you might be called to pull a double shift that starts in 45 minutes because the third-shift guy called in sick. "Sick" meaning he ingested his body weight in unknown substances while moshing at a Marilyn Manson concert, and now has to sit very still until the aura around his pet cat has faded to a much milder purple.

Product Surveyors: Nearly everything we buy these days warrants a call from a consulting firm who wants to check the consumer satisfaction level of each purchase. "Hello! We understand you recently ordered a Ton O' Meat special pie from Plethora Pizza. Would you say the number of pepperoni slices was (A) not enough, (B) too much, or (C) Perfectly Plethorific!^tm Did the unnatural amount of acne on the delivery person's face adversely affect your appetite?"

Redialers: People who call you because they once knew someone who had your phone number at some time shortly after the earth cooled. These electronic Sherlocks believe they can find their MIA friend by calling you every day for the next several years, or until their touch-tone finger snaps off at the knuckle. "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Finkle isn't here. He died three years ago. No, I don't expect him back. No, he didn't leave a forwarding number, but you'll probably need something stronger than a phone to reach him."

Now if there was some way I could develop a Do Not Visit List to keep annoying people from knocking on my front door. I tried to call my Congressman about it, but he's already put me on his own Do Not Call List. (Stupid restraining orders.)

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."