Open Mouth, Taste Foot

June 1998

CORRECTION 2003: Some alert reader noticed I had mistakenly listed Pat Buchanan as a Senator. I have no idea how that bizarre little typo happened, and apologize for the error. I do enjoy the irony of it being in this particular article though, and feel a little better knowing it took five years before someone cared enough about Pat Buchanan to notice at all.

There's an epidemic that's affected countless people in this country for years, and yet nothing has been done to counter it. I'm referring to the public's endurance of famous folk who verbally reach beyond their intelligence when given a live microphone. For some reason, when many people in the public eye with nothing to say get an open forum to speak their minds, or lack thereof, and feel the need to spout off.

Case in point: pro football player/minister Reggie White, who recently stunned the Wisconsin State Assembly with a speech using lots of racial stereotypes to "prove" God specialized all of us for different tasks. Ol' Reg also warned certain groups would be forever condemned in the Hereafter to baste in Beelzebub's EZ-Bake oven. Looks like the NFL and certain ministries use the same entrance forms, and have the same IQ requirements.

Of course Reggie isn't the only example. The news is full of 'em:

• Brooke Shields once warned "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." It's obvious now she writes her own "Suddenly Susan" dialog. I'm wondering if that famous cigarette-in-the-ear poster she did was just her choosing the wrong orifice.

• Industialist Lee Iacocca showed his support for the environment by saying "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Apparently, not too much around Mr. Iacocca's head.

• John Wayne gave us a history lesson about the Old West by saying "people needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." So, if Indians aren't people, what exactly are they, John?

The biggest boneheaded statements, though, come from those we put in charge of our government:

• Pat Buchanan once called Hitler "an individual of great courage," and alleged Hillary Clinton was a spy for Israel. Maybe Pat's planning to end his political career in the same "courageous" fashion as Hitler? And if Hillary really worked in intelligence, would her husband would be in so much trouble?

• Dan Quayle once admitted "I did play a lot of golf (in school). But I don't think that's any reflection on my ability to lead this nation." I know I slept better knowing the former VP could take command and still maintain a good handicap.

• Ex-NYC mayor David Dinkins defended his non-payment of taxes with "I did nothing illegal. What I did was fail to comply with the law." Thanks for clearing that up, Dave. Next time I'm stopped for speeding I'll explain I wasn't actually speeding, I just failed to apply my brakes, and I'll get off scott-free.

• A cordial Senator Jessie Helms warned "Mr. Clinton better watch out if he comes down here. He'd better have a bodyguard." That sort of threat on the president (by someone without a taxpayer salary) usually warrants a friendly visit from an ATF rebuttal comittee.

So why do we let these Mensa turnaways talk in the first place? Because it's a great validation of the First Amendment's guarantee of free speech. Any person can speak his mind, be it the mind of Steven Hawking or the guy on the corner with the pushcart preaching the word of Zorko, Lord of Venus. Our freedoms allow people to publicly put their feet in their mouths as far as anatomically possible. This helps us to expose where and who these nimrods are, invite a little justice in the court of public derision, and gradually ease them out of our culture, improving our society.

Therefore, my friends, it's now up to us to use our freedoms well. Let the fool in your life build his own straitjacket. Allow me to introduce the Mental Orientation Research/Observation Network, or MORON. Our group's vast computer network tracks these public figures who speak faster than they think, and highlight their foibles for public amusement.

We're constantly on the lookout for new subjects worth study; there's always a chance the next news item will give us the next Joey Buttafuoco, Al D'Amato, or Leona Helmsley. We can't do it alone, however. We need your support with considerable donations and field reports to make sure we follow all leads. Contributions are tax-deductible, and you'll be helping your culture. So please help however you can. Thinking people everywhere are counting on you.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."