Will Bug Phones For Food

August 2001

("Chutzpah is killing your parents, then pleading for leniency in court because you're an orphan." - Anonymous)

Linda Tripp needs your help.

You may remember Linda, though her Andy Warhol clock chimed "15:00" over a year ago. Her secretly-taped phone conversations with Monica Lewinski fueled Kenneth Starr's investigation of Preisdent Bill Clinton last year. The legal fracas got both women's faces on the cover of every major newspaper and magazine. Except, oddly enough, where Monica's face would be most appropriate, "Cigar Aficionado."

In January, she lost her $100,000-a-year job at the Pentagon. (I sure felt safe at night knowing Linda was working hard to keep our enemies at bay.) Now, eight months later, she's still having trouble finding employment. For some strange reason, people won't hire someone who airs the boss's dirty laundry on national TV. Which, in this case, considering Monica's infamous blue dress, really DID involve dirty laundry.

Poor Linda recently mass-mailed a form letter asking for donations of $20 to $1000 to help pay the $2 million in legal fees from her expensive lawsuits against the Defense Department, the White House and the Pentagon. Oh, and her bills for all that plastic surgery too. She writes, "I now find myself with no money for rent...and other basics of life." Like more plastic surgery, for example, since I'm pretty sure she's still a work-in-progress.

She is also petitioning current President George W. Bush to give her a "meaningful" job in the new administration, claiming Bill Clinton fired her as "retaliation for daring to speak the truth." Now, there's two problems with that statement:

Problem 1: "Schedule C" government employees lose their jobs when the in-office president loses his. When she refused to resign like everyone else, my guess is a big burly guy with a bat and a moving van showed up and persuaded her to pack.

Problem 2: Linda had worked in the White House back when the alpha Bush was in office. She had alleged he was also having an affair with one of his staff. George W. was the man who had to defend Dad’s honor to the press. Seems to me that being a thorn in the side of last three presidents doesn’t get you good grades in the "Works Well With Others" category.

I'm sure getting through those job interviews must be tough too: "Well, I worked in the Defense Department for years, I'm experienced with government procedure and public relations. Oh, I also pretended to be friends with a coworker so I could illegally tape hours of her babbling about trysts with the President. Maybe you've heard about that." On job applications, I’d assume she checks the "NO" box under the "May we contact your previous employer?" question.

Well, in the interest of helping the disadvantaged, let me play guidance counselor and offer Ms. Tripp some vocational options she'd be best suited for.

TELEPHONE OPERATOR: It's obvious she can work a phone. "Hold on, please. I'll connect your call in a moment. By the way, you aren't having an affair with anyone, are you?"

McDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH CASHIER: She’s experienced with a microphone, although she'll have to restrain herself from going to the press every time she sees the manager drop a Big Mac and put it back on the shelf.

TALK-SHOW HOST: Familiar territory, since the whole Sexgate thing ran like a year's worth of Jerry Springer shows. "Today is our first day in a month-long series of 'Women Who Have Seen Bill Clinton Naked.' "

UNDERCOVER NARC: Mr. Starr wired Linda for a meeting with Monica to confirm the info in those phone tapes, so going from an unpaid snitch to a paid one should be easy. Drug dealers can't be much scarier than Monica. "Really? That's so interesting. Could you talk a little louder into my bra, please?"

Hmm, then again, let’s think about this for a minute... Experienced in public relations, secretly tapes conversations, asks for lots of donations, skews the truth in the name of civic duty, fights against poverty (her own, anyway) and is looking for a tax-supported job. That's the last 30 years of presidents in one convenient package. You know, we might be looking at the next leader of the free world! I'd better get started on those "TRIPP 2004" buttons right away.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."