It's End of the World ... Again

December 1999

Hello, citizens, this is D'an Rather, your local newsbard with the latest updates from the kingdoms of Europe and The Holy Roman Empire, 999 AD. As many of you have heard, there has been great consternation throughout Europe over what may occur during the upcoming "Y1K" crisis. No one is quite sure what will happen when our scholars, priests, and alchemists will need to use four decimal places to designate the year, instead of the usual three. This differs from the 'Y0K' crisis of a thousand years ago, when people had to learn to count 'AD' years forwards instead of the backwards 'BC' years.

We have several experts with us today to discuss the possible consequences. First, we have a Francis, a leading scholar fresh from his trip east to the recent Y1K Summit in Constantinople.

"Thank you, D'an. The average citizen shouldn't have too much of a problem, since most can't count beyond 10 anyway. Merchants and scholars, however, will have to purchase new Y1K-ready abacuses that include the new decimal place. Monks will have to learn to write smaller lettering when transcribing books, and since some already have a recurring problem of accidentally writing the old year after January 1, this could be quite costly if they have to restart a 500 page book after they screw up. Unfortunately, we don't expect correction fluid to be invented for another thousand years or so."

Next we have Otto, a local noble who has recently been quite vocal about this problem.

"This situation is outrageous! Can anyone convince me no one NOTICED the end of the millennium was coming? I warned Hugh Capet about this sort of thing even before he became king! But did anyone listen? I've been saying for years we should all go back to Roman numerals. We wouldn't have all this extra-zero nonsense if we still used X's, I's, and C's, would we! We would just use M! We'd better get ready if we don't want our society to shut down and those Viking tribes in the north knocking on our doors!"

And finally, we have Jacques, an area merchant, with his own views on the subject.

"I don't believe the Y1K crisis will be the economic nightmare some people think, or the end of the world like the priests in Rome are all shouting. It's probably just a big conspiracy by abacus companies to get us to upgrade. Besides, there's no way Europe would fall to the Vikings. Word is that Leif Erickson is planning a sea journey west to some mythical land his dad told him about, so they'll all probably just fall off the edge of the Earth anyway."

Well, there you have it. It seems no one's really sure exactly what will happen when the big rollover occurs. This reporter would like to remind every listener that whatever happens, life will go on. We should all at least take comfort in the fact that a thousand years from now our intelligent descendants won't be subject to any mathematical faux pas like this one.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."