Farewell, Ted and Gloria

March 2006

According to the London Times, big history is happening with America's international neighbors to the north. (FYI: that's "Canada," to those 80% of current U.S. college graduates who didn't know that.) The announcement: Ted and Gloria are going away forever.

Okay, for anyone reading this who doesn't get Canadian TV (i.e. everyone), they are an annoying suburbanite couple who have appeared on ten year's worth of Canadian Tire commercials. Whenever there's trouble in the neighborhood, the Pretentious Pair swing into action with just the right tool or doohickey for the job. Ted apparently likes Canadian Tire a lot, since he has enough gadgets to give Batman and James Bond gizmo envy.

Looking through the various blogs and editorials, it’s clear that these Martha Stewarts of the handyman set tended to irk most viewers. Much like the actual Martha irks my wife – whenever she sees the domestic diva on TV, she growls at the screen.

I can understand people's reactions. I know I'd hate living next to people like this. I'd be out in the driveway trying to change my brakes with paper clips and a beer opener. Ted would come over and mock the inadequacy of my tools (as Freud chuckles from the grave). He'd produce a sparkling new double-jointed solar-powered chrome voozlewhatzit, and I'd silently plan his demise. He’d probably have the perfect tool for that too.

So why am I so excited about their departure? Because it's a great affirmation of the power of democracy. Canadian Tire listened to the growing voices and realized that Ted and Gloria made most people want to pull an Elvis on their TV's. The Vox Populi won! Canadians showed us Americans that democracy can flourish in new ways. As opposed to our government's current method of spreading democracy, i.e. Step 1, bomb the crap out of a country; Step 2, "now get out there and vote."

Let's learn a lesson from our northern allies. (Yes, that's "Canada" again, graduates. Way to retain.) Let's start small, with our TV's. Here's a list of commercial-type people I'd like to see vanish forever. Don't agree? Vote for someone else here. Viva La Revolution!

The Six Flags Guy: Senior Citzen Adrenaline Junkie

Not a day goes by in my neighborhood without some hiphop-dancing octogenarian stopping by in a renovated Partridge Family bus looking to take a road trip to the local theme park and try out the new Vomitator attraction. Either Six Flags enjoys watching stunned oldsters propelled at subsonic speeds, or the guy's looking to go the Dr. Kervorkian route that will allow his family to collect the insurance money. "C'mon, Grandpa. I hear the Puketron pulls six G's!"

Bob, the Enzite Guy: Changes Tires Without a Jack

"This is Bob," begins narrator, and we learn that Bob has been having plumbing problems. (Although, looking at his wife, I'm sure I'd need chemicals to get my motor running too.) Now check out Bob, master all things Freudian. Watch him swing that golf club, or handle that garden hose! I don't need the product (thanks for asking), but even if I did, I wouldn't use it because I don't want to look like this guy. In fact, if you're single, making yourself look like that would scare away most women and preclude the reason for taking the stuff in the first place.

The Nasonex Bee: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Phylum

"Ah...my sweet leetle flowerr..." This worker bee has problems, and not just the bad CGI and Antonio Banderas accent. The insect is looking for some on the job romance by wooing the flowers he pollinates. The problem is his allergies. This makes the bee's job difficult, since he isn't human and can't file a lawsuit for lifetime workers' comp. Thanks to the power of Nasonex, though, he's able to keep working and annoy us with his failed attempts to hook up outside the hive.

The Burger King: Back from the Land of the Dead

In the early '80s, the live Burger King and his court of Not-Ready-for-McDonaldland Players would do lots of wacky activities with kids, and then retire to a healthy meal of microwaved burgers, overfried fries, and nondiet sodas. (Parental tip: never leave your kids with a grown man in pantaloons offering treats.) The new ads feature a costumed King, who doesn't really walk, so much as shamble like a Roger Corman creation. Heck, it might not even be a costume at all. Maybe they've been keeping him in the freezer next to the fries for 20 years, and some 16 year-old left the door open.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."