Writer's Block Ahead

[THESE DAYS: A Commentary]
A collection of attempted humor by Dan O'Leary


COLUMNS
(* - Reader's Pick)
Pluto Downsized
August 2006

Farewell, Ted and Gloria
March 2006

Cheney's Got a Gun
February 2006

How Deadly is That Sin?*
December 2005

Back to Skool*
September 2005

Little Tykes, Big Bucks*
August 2005

FYI: the 411 on TXT
July 2005

Hot Topics
June 2005

Brought To You By The Letters OMG*
April 2005

Christmas Carol Cutouts*
December 2004

A New Day in America
November 2004

Vote These Days Party '04
October 2004

A Bug's Life
May 2004

Outsourcing? Outstanding!*
April 2004

Can You Hear Me Now? (click!)*
November 2003

Hollywood Halloween Horrors
October 2003

(Not) Reality TV
September 2003

What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation*
August 2003

Show Me The Way To Go Home (Depot)
June 2003

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man's Not Snoring*
May 2003

You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?
March 2003

Lost In The Super Market
February 2003

Happy New...1979?
January 2003

The THESE DAYS Job Fair
December 2002

This Movie Stinks! Really!
November 2002

Back In My (School) Day...
September 2002

Pass The SPF-90, Santa*
August 2002

Must See TV...or Else
June 2002

Unreal Estates*
May 2002

Spring (Cleaning) Has Sprung*
March 2002

Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide
December 2001

CAUTION! Hazardous Words!*
November 2001

Make A Wish, Blow Out The Punchcards*
August 2001

Will Bug Phones For Food
July 2001

The Phantom Critic Menace
June 2001

The Return of Saturn*
May 2001

Your Ad Here, And Here...*
March 2001

"Dave? What Happened, Dave?"
February 2001

"You Mean Dewey Didn't Beat Truman?"
January 2001

Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year*
December 2000

Florida Hosts "Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride"
November 2000

Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"
September 2000

Darwinism on the Highways
March 2000

Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!
February 2000

It's The End Of The World ... Again
December 1999

Regis Picks a President
November 1999

Too Much Information?
October 1999

That's My Final Answer
September 1999

8KShould Be Enough For Anyone
August 1999

The Fandom Manace
May 1999

Oxford's Word Search
March 1999

The THESE DAYS Awards, 1998!
January 1999

How The Grinch Saved Christmas -- A sequel (of sorts)*
December 1998

Counting My Blessings ... Sort of
November 1998

Movin' Right Along*
September 1998

And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor*
August 1998

Hug A Luddite
July 1998

Open Mouth, Taste Foot
June 1998

And Baby Makes Four*
May 1998

While You Were Out
April 1998

I'm Ronny, Fly Me*
March 1998

The Starr Chamber
February 1998

OK, Folks! Drink 'em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!
January 1998

Taming the Holiday Herd
December 1997

Dial R For Retaliation
November 1997

They Blinded Us With Science
October 1997

Call Mulder and Scully!
September 1997

A Nice Place To Visit?
August 1997

Great Taste, Less Dead People*
July 1997

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It
June 1997

New and Improved Reruns
May 1997

Cloning Around
April 1997

"Lose Weight! Ask Me How!"*
March 1997

You've Come a Long Way, Baby*
February 1997

1996: What Were We Thinking?
January 1997

Oh, Come, All Ye Grinches
December 1996

...And The Politicians Throwing Stones
November 1996

Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?
October 1996

Point & Click...& Click...& Click...& Click...
August 1996

Summertime Junk Food For The Mind
July 1996

I Carry My Brains In My Back Pocket*
June 1996

Spring Cleaning: Some Helpful Hints
May 1996

Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?
April 1996

Bigger? Better? Faster?
March 1996

Let's Do The Time Warp Again
February 1996
 

Pass The SPF-90, Santa

August 2002

(Based on a true story.)

I wrote this a few years ago, but the same event happens every year. Now that every store's doing the same thing, I thought it was time to update it.

'Twas a weekend in August, and all through the mall,
Just a business-as-usual day there for all.
The shoppers meandered through retail-store chains
While "Back to School" sale prices danced in their brains.

My wife and I strode through the climatized air
In hopes of some bargains that we might find there.
Then I heard something strange amid Muzak and chatter
And turned to find out just what was the matter.

The song was familiar, but imagine my shock
When I realized the tune, it was "Jingle Bell Rock."
Then what to my wandering eyes should appear
In the card store -- A sleigh! And eight tiny reindeer!

Ornamentals and trinkets for this year's Christmas season
Were for sale in the summer without rhyme or reason.
First Hallmark! Then Shoebox! American Greetings!
All wanting to sell me their holiday treatings.

"It's absurd," I exclaimed, "Under what strange delusion
Would I buy Christmas stuff before summer's conclusion?
Who wants to buy stockings and new Christmas trees
When out in the sunshine, it's 90 degrees."

The clerk looked at me with an unblinking stare
Indicating to me that she just didn't care.
"It's just what they do," she said with a sneer,
"Christmas season starts sooner with each passing year."

I turned to my wife, "Don't you think it's obscene
To start Christmas shopping before Halloween?
If this trend doesn't stop, we'll end up someday
With the Easter Bunny driving his very own sleigh."

And so, with a sigh, annoyed and dismayed,
We walked to the exit, past the items displayed.
Past the cards and the tinsel and green mistletoe
(Though we did buy a bottle of egg nog to go).

And the words that we spoke as we left, I remember,
"We're off to the beach, we'll come back in December."


LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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Dan O'Leary is a contributor to New Jersey Lifestyle Magazine.

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."

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