The THESE DAYS Job Fair

December 2002

The Bureau of Labor Statistics recently announced it's top 10 most dangerous professions:

1. Timber cutters

2. Airplane pilots

3. Construction laborers

4. Truck drivers

5. Farm occupations

6. Groundskeepers

7. Laborers

8. Police and detectives

9. Carpenters

10. Sales occupations

Much to my surprise, my other job falls into one of these categories, which has made me rethink my career. (Yes, it's true, when not managing my vast THESE DAYS media empire, I do work in another occupation.) If your job is also in one of these high-risk vocations, it might be time to consider a new career choice. (Forgive me, I'm starting to sound that like Sally Struthers ad on TV.)

I did some checking and found a number of low-risk employment opportunities that are easy to get into and don't run the risk of a 30,000-foot plummet or the occasional evisceration. With reality shows are becoming all the rage, and Americans more determined than ever to become celebrities, I've gone with a Hollywood theme for my list.

I could become a respected movie actor and get paid to have sex on camera. And I'm not even talking about those "special" movies on late-night Cinemax -- remember, I did say "respected." Earlier this year, actors Mark Rylance and Kerry Fox starred in "Intimacy," an artsy movie about the perils of a steamy love affair. Most of the numerous sex scenes in the movie were simulated. Yes, I said "most." Imagine having to come home from a long day of filming a similar movie and telling your spouse, "Oh, honey, work was brutal. No matter what we tried, we just couldn't get that scene right. We had to do it over...and over...and over again. We're having another go at it tomorrow. Could you run to the store and pick up some more Viagra for me? I'm off to sell my bootleg copy of the dailies on eBay."

How about my own TV show by claiming I can talk to animals? Sonya Fitzpatrick is "The Pet Psychic," a woman who claims to be able to solve troubled pets' problems by reading their minds. Sort of a telepathic mix of Doctor Doolittle and Doctor Phil. Some say Sonya is the Kreskin of the Kennel-Club set. I fall on the skeptic side of the fence here, considering Sonya advised one woman her pet was a reincarnated loved one...which she "confirmed" by asking the animal. I have a hard time believing Rover knows much about anything, much less spiritual transcendence. My dog, at least, would've answered any question with, "BALL! Where's my ball? Ball ball ball! FOOD! More food! Food food food!..."

Finally, there's the job of bailiff on the numerous reality "court" and "judge" TV series. I don't believe there's any mock law-enforcement training for mock courtrooms, unless Rusty from the original "People's Court" is living out his retirement years giving training courses on that sort of thing. (Who would've known the Russ-man would be such a pioneer?) As far as I can tell, the only requirements for the job are the ability to clearly say, "All rise," and enough self-control to not burst out laughing at the parade of anti-Mensas trying to plead their cases. And best of all, you get the snappy uniform too!

Consider these options carefully, and decide which job is right for you. There are several successful people in these fields right now and you can be too. Good luck in your new career! Me, personally? I'm going after Sally Struther's old job. In fact, I should go practice right now. Let's see, stand up straight, smile, "You can train for a brand new career...!"

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."