Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide

December 2001

Ah, the holidays are here again. We celebrate Christmas in my house, a time when people get together to exchange gifts and sing songs. This is different from Hanukah, when people get together to exchange gifts, sing songs, and light ceremonial candles. This is different from Kwanzaa, another holiday when people get together to exchange gifts, sing songs, and light ceremonial candles. This is different from Boxing Day when people get together to give gifts, sing songs, but don't light ceremonial candles. This is different from the Winter Solstice, when people get together, skip the gifts and the songs, and just light the darn candles.

So whatever holiday you celebrate, unless you're pagan, you'll need to buy gifts. To help make your shopping easier, here is the THESE DAYS Holiday Gift Guide.

Videogames are big this year, with the debut of the Xbox and Gamecube. Given the shelf life of most game systems, you're likely to still have holiday leftovers in the fridge before a new model outdates the one you buy. Better yet, skip the copy of "John Madden 2001," give your kid a real football, and reintroduce him to the outdoors. Keep him from the TV long enough and he just might stop glowing in the dark.

Eventually every little girl wants a Barbie doll. There are lots of different styles -- with her scuba rescues, veterinary practice, McDonald's franchise, and extreme naked skydiving, Barbie barely has time for her nightly jaunts with Ken -- so it's important to get just the right Barbie. Nothing fades a young girl's smile worse when she says, "No, no! I didn't want the 'Fun in the Sun Barbie' with the sunburned skin, I wanted the 'Fun in the Sun Shark-Attack Barbie' with the bite marks on her surfboard." Avoid the ultra-expensive, collector's-edition Barbies. They'll only end up naked and headless like the $2.99 model you bought her last year.

Home videos are a nice alternative to greeting cards. If your family tapes holiday greetings to relatives far away, make sure you properly mark the tape "Family Holiday" so you don't confuse it with that "special" tape, and mistakenly send the play-by-play of your "Aruba Exotic Nude Beach Love Holiday." If that happens, make sure you secure proper royalties from your loved ones when they sell copies of it on the Internet. (You know they will.)

Cell phones are more popular than ever. If you're buying a phone for someone who uses it while driving, make sure it's a safety-conscious, hands-free model. Unless you don't really care for that person, in which case a phone with tiny buttons and black-on-black lettering is just fine.

A word on fruitcake: "No."

CD's are great for music lovers, but make sure to match the gift to the person's musical tastes. If the store is sold out of Slipnot, don't replace it with Slim Whitman just because it's next in the rack. If your teen is into boy-bands, buy her only the latest, hottest release. She'll thank you each time she plays it, and it'll make a lovely drink coaster in six weeks when the next even-newer, even-hotter boy-band is popular.

Books are always good for the reader in your life. However, avoid most self-help books. Some are good, such as "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" for the aspiring CEO, or "Stop Smoking in 30 Days" for your favorite cancer magnet. It's a really bad idea to give someone books like "Alternatives to That Really Bad Toupee" and "Shed Those Extra Pounds, Already! People Are Mooing At You."

Never buy your child a Red Rider BB Gun with a compass in the stock and a thing that tells time. He'll shoot his eye out.

No matter what presents you buy for those close to you, remember that the thought really does count. Decide with your heart the best gift to show how much you care for your loved ones. It'll guarantee they'll think of you fondly and smile while they're standing in the return lines exchanging your well-thought-out gift for something they really want.

Then again, maybe those Winter Solstice celebrators have the right idea. I'm off to buy some candles.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."