This Movie Stinks! Really!

November 2002

If you find yourself in England and have the sudden urge to rent a video, just follow your nose. The Blockbuster video chain recently announced a new feature in branches in London, Birmingham, and Hemel Hempstead: fragrances for videos. And just when you thought the rental selection didn't stink enough, right?

Various scent capsules will be fitted in air-conditioning units to enhance customers' mood. Each section of the store will have its own aroma. Customers can smell gunpowder while checking out the action films, roses in the romance section, and bananas in the comedy section (although moldy cheese would be more appropriate for the Rob Schneider & Adam Sandler shelf). I'd hate to be one of the employees who re-stock the returned videos. They'll want to shoot someone while refilling the Schwartzenegger aisle, and have to run to the "Fried Green Tomatoes" rack to calm down.

Besides the genre-specific odors, there are other special scents too. Vanilla will be released by the snack counter to persuade customers into buying junk food. And a special mixture of roses and androstenone (the pheromone in male sweat) will be sprayed in stores between 10pm to 11pm, the time when most single people rent videos. Maybe it's me, but the smell of a sweaty guy doesn't make me want to watch videos. It makes me want to run to local Piggly Wiggly store and buy some soap. They call it "Heaven Scent," I call it "Waiting to Inhale."

The video chain believes it will help influence customers with their rental choices. Blockbuster's Tim Fairs says, "Marrying scent with the enhanced visual and audio stimulus of movies, particularly DVD, creates the ultimate entertainment experience." I'm not exactly sure how making the video store more fragrent enhances my movie watching. I'm not watching the video in the store (they always get mad at me when I kick off my shoes, lay down on the counter, and use the returns as drink coasters), and you won't catch me snorting from the box at home ("Ah, gunpowder...Get 'em, Arnold!"). Maybe Mr. Fairs could also show me where on the DVD I can find the Stink Track. Maybe it's hidden in the Special Features section, under "Jar Jar: My Many Odors" or something like that.

News Flash for the Blockbuster folks: Those people browsing your store? They're ALREADY in there to rent videos. (Okay, maybe someone has a thing for bright, fluorescent lights and shelving units...different strokes.) If you're already in the video store, you're walking out with something. Wouldn't it be nice if the cinematic powers-that-be spent less on trickery and just made better movies? I'd much rather debate between two picks based on moving plot and acting, rather than deciding which box won't make me smell like I was ambushed by a squad of sample-happy department store cologne sprayers.

Then again, maybe join 'em if you can't beat 'em. Allow me to suggest some other scents for other movie genres.

• Noir Films
  -- Imagine your favorite gumshoe detectives actually smelling like gum (maybe some three day-old booze too).

• Giant Monster Films
  -- Titanic battles come to life with the smell of sweaty foam-rubber costumes, brimstone, and model glue.

• Westerns
  -- Experience the spirit of the open plains with the pungent smell of cowpies.

• Horror Films
  -- Don't even need a capsule for this one. Capture some roadkill and hide it among the George Romero flicks to simulate the Living Dead.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."