Florida Hosts 'Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride'

November 2000

Going to a candidate's debate.
Laugh about it, shout about it, when you have to choose
any way you look at it you lose.
-- Simon and Garfunkel, "Mrs. Robinson"

November sure has been one twisty spin on the political Tilt-a-Whirl. The election deadlock has left Governor Heat Miser and Vice President Snow Miser fighting for victory in Florida like a game of electoral "Risk." As the Floridians count and recount all the ballots, the nightly news eagerly gives us minute-by-minute coverage of the fact we still have no clue who won. Tensions are rising as both sides debate whether Governor Tweedle-Dee or Vice President Tweedle-Dum will come out on top.

Allegations from them Dems claim some people were confused where to punch the ballots and either voted for Pat Buchanan by mistake or disqualified their vote by re-punching it for Gore. Maybe they thought they could erase the first hole. Would anyone really want to consider these people among his supporters? I'd have a tough time saying, "Yes, these people were too dumb to follow arrows or read directions, and they picked me to lead them."

I also doubt the argument that many elderly Florida voters didn't understand the ballot. I'd hate to think our entire democratic process would boil down to how well The Golden Girls were able to read their choices: "Yes, I voted for Buchanon, but I thought I was voting for JAMES Buchanon." Then again, the Grand Old Pachyderm doesn't put much credence in the elderly's eyesight either, since he doesn't think they'll notice his plan to change their Social Security checks.

It's time the public switched to decaf too. At a recent rally, protesters carried signs with slogans like "You're denying my rights. I want a revote." (A more appropriate sign would be "I can't follow directions. I want another shot.") Sorry, folks, but nowhere in the Constitution is there a provision for Calling a Do-Over.

Some angry Donkeyites now blame Ralph Nader, who, in refusing to support a party he opposed, gave Governor Pokémon an edge over Vice Prez Digimon. Nader responded by telling Mr. Rock and Mr. Hardplace that big candidates don't cry, and that one job applicant isn't responsible to make sure one of the popular guys gets the promotion.

Since someone somewhere's going to be upset with whatever the final results are, here are a couple of mutually agreeable ways to end this.

The Ol' Coin Toss --

Have the rivals meet on the Citrus Bowl Stadium 50-yard line. One call, no takebacks. Although Mr. Shemp would probably complain that the liberal wind was blowing against him, and Mr. Curly Joe would file suit that he wasn't given time to study which coin side had the better odds.

"Candidate Deathmatch" --

TV judge and former boxing referee Mills Lane would host a real-life version of the popular MTV show. The Governor can use his beloved assault weapons, and the Veep can attempt to bore his rival to death.

"Survivor III: The Politicos" --

Drop Mr. Scylla and Mr. Charybdis on a deserted island for a week with no assistance and see which one makes it. Better yet, drop them both on an island, then forget about them and pick a leader who doesn't feel like a choice between the last two kids in Phys. Ed. to be picked for the baseball teams.

Oh well, whoever ends up in the Oval Office, be it Mr. Mary-Kate or Mr. Ashley, I know we'll get over it and press on with our lives. We made it through Watergate, Contragate, S&Lgate, and Monicagate, so I'm sure we'll all survive whatever -gate the new Chief Executive drags us through. Remember the These Days Electoral Theory: "Picking a President's like picking a family dog. They're all the same dumb animal, you just pick the one that'll leave the smallest mess after he has done his business." Here's hoping four years from now we'll all get smart and elect a higher species.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."