Little Tykes, Big Bucks

August 2005

On a recent vacation, I took my kids on a trip to the local aquarium. My 18 month-old had learned to throw coins into a fountain earlier in the week, and now thinks that any body of water can be vastly improved by throwing objects into it. This is how our new digital camera got an up-close and personal look at the turtles in the aquarium's amphibian pond.

Over the years, my three young kids have caused lots of expenses in cleanups, replacement of electronic parts, and payoffs to avoid lawsuits. And while the occasional broken appliance or yogurt in the VCR (don't ask) can be a pain, I learned this week that I've got little to complain about. There are other parents that have it far worse than I ever will. Here are two stories from China that I offer as condolence to other parents who keep pondering if it would have been better just to have bought goldfish.

The Southern Metropolitan News reported that on May 10, one street in the city of Shekou experienced raining money. Over 4,000 Yuan (US$488) was thrown from a building on Haichang Street and attracted the attention of hundreds of people. The cash caused a huge traffic jam as people scrambled for money in the street or climbed trees to shake it loose. A woman later rushed into the street from the Haichang Building and said her one year-old child had thrown the money out of the window.

There must have been some interesting weather reports that day. "Well, folks, it looks like we've got a cold cash front moving over the Haichang area today. And it's causing a major backup with commuters. Drivers should plan an alternate route around the area. Unless, of course, you could use some extra spending money, in which case you should drive straight there and skip work altogether."

Also, China Daily reported last month that an 11 year-old boy in Zhengzhou had secretly sold 500,000 Yuan (US$60,000) in household appliances and valuables in his parents' two homes. The half-million in merchandise went for 2,000 Yuan (US$242). The boy then spent all of the money at an Internet bar with his five friends in just 20 days. The houses are trashed, devoid of anything of value, and look like a Motel 6 that just hosted a stop on the KISS concert tour.

How did an 11 year-old move out ALL that furniture? It's usually rather difficult to smuggle out an entertainment center under your shirt unless you're a pro, i.e. a former child TV star from the 80s. And the big question, why didn't anyone notice he was doing this? "Gosh, the TV's gone MIA and little Junior's been at that Internet bar for 13 hours today. I wonder if there might be a connection. I'll just sit on the floor here where the couch used to be and think about that a little. Honey, what do you think? Honey? You still here?"

I suspect some degree of the destructive impulse is programmed into all little kids. It sure seems to come up in my family's DNA. One oft-repeated story in my family involves my then-three-year-old younger sister. (She hates this story, so I'll have to type this quietly.) My mother had discovered her in a doorway finishing a wall-length mural she had been working on in blue crayon. My mother said angrily, "Christine! Did you do this?"

My sister, wide-eyed, responded, "Oh, no, Mommy," and led her through the doorway to an entirely different mural on the other side of the wall, and proudly said, "I did THIS!" Apparently, she was quitting her blue period and thought the burnt-sienna piece far better captured her artist essence.

Nobody ever tells you about these things all little kids do before you become a parent. I just wish that no one had told the babies about it either. I'll have to take comfort in the fact that it has never rained money out my window, and that my little progenitoids haven't learned how to eBay their Dad's stuff so they can buy Pokemon cards. (At least not yet, anyway.)

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to shop for a new waterproof camera. Just as soon as I fetch my car keys out of the bathtub drain.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."