Writer's Block Ahead

[THESE DAYS: A Commentary]
A collection of attempted humor by Dan O'Leary


COLUMNS
(* - Reader's Pick)
Pluto Downsized
August 2006

Farewell, Ted and Gloria
March 2006

Cheney's Got a Gun
February 2006

How Deadly is That Sin?*
December 2005

Back to Skool*
September 2005

Little Tykes, Big Bucks*
August 2005

FYI: the 411 on TXT
July 2005

Hot Topics
June 2005

Brought To You By The Letters OMG*
April 2005

Christmas Carol Cutouts*
December 2004

A New Day in America
November 2004

Vote These Days Party '04
October 2004

A Bug's Life
May 2004

Outsourcing? Outstanding!*
April 2004

Can You Hear Me Now? (click!)*
November 2003

Hollywood Halloween Horrors
October 2003

(Not) Reality TV
September 2003

What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation*
August 2003

Show Me The Way To Go Home (Depot)
June 2003

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man's Not Snoring*
May 2003

You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?
March 2003

Lost In The Super Market
February 2003

Happy New...1979?
January 2003

The THESE DAYS Job Fair
December 2002

This Movie Stinks! Really!
November 2002

Back In My (School) Day...
September 2002

Pass The SPF-90, Santa*
August 2002

Must See TV...or Else
June 2002

Unreal Estates*
May 2002

Spring (Cleaning) Has Sprung*
March 2002

Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide
December 2001

CAUTION! Hazardous Words!*
November 2001

Make A Wish, Blow Out The Punchcards*
August 2001

Will Bug Phones For Food
July 2001

The Phantom Critic Menace
June 2001

The Return of Saturn*
May 2001

Your Ad Here, And Here...*
March 2001

"Dave? What Happened, Dave?"
February 2001

"You Mean Dewey Didn't Beat Truman?"
January 2001

Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year*
December 2000

Florida Hosts "Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride"
November 2000

Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"
September 2000

Darwinism on the Highways
March 2000

Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!
February 2000

It's The End Of The World ... Again
December 1999

Regis Picks a President
November 1999

Too Much Information?
October 1999

That's My Final Answer
September 1999

8KShould Be Enough For Anyone
August 1999

The Fandom Manace
May 1999

Oxford's Word Search
March 1999

The THESE DAYS Awards, 1998!
January 1999

How The Grinch Saved Christmas -- A sequel (of sorts)*
December 1998

Counting My Blessings ... Sort of
November 1998

Movin' Right Along*
September 1998

And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor*
August 1998

Hug A Luddite
July 1998

Open Mouth, Taste Foot
June 1998

And Baby Makes Four*
May 1998

While You Were Out
April 1998

I'm Ronny, Fly Me*
March 1998

The Starr Chamber
February 1998

OK, Folks! Drink 'em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!
January 1998

Taming the Holiday Herd
December 1997

Dial R For Retaliation
November 1997

They Blinded Us With Science
October 1997

Call Mulder and Scully!
September 1997

A Nice Place To Visit?
August 1997

Great Taste, Less Dead People*
July 1997

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It
June 1997

New and Improved Reruns
May 1997

Cloning Around
April 1997

"Lose Weight! Ask Me How!"*
March 1997

You've Come a Long Way, Baby*
February 1997

1996: What Were We Thinking?
January 1997

Oh, Come, All Ye Grinches
December 1996

...And The Politicians Throwing Stones
November 1996

Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?
October 1996

Point & Click...& Click...& Click...& Click...
August 1996

Summertime Junk Food For The Mind
July 1996

I Carry My Brains In My Back Pocket*
June 1996

Spring Cleaning: Some Helpful Hints
May 1996

Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?
April 1996

Bigger? Better? Faster?
March 1996

Let's Do The Time Warp Again
February 1996
 

Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?

March 1996

[This installment was written after an extremely bad east coast winter that seemed to see-saw with spring weather for the entire month, making every new day a guessing game.]

Does anybody out there remember a time when we actually had seasons? I don't think I imagined it; I'm fairly certain there was a time I could be sure we were done with snow for the year. We used to be able to tell what sort of weather to expect by checking our calendars, determining what month it was, and deciding whether or not to put away the parkas. That, of course, was before Mother Nature decided to play Climate Roulette with the Jet Stream. ("Ah! Number 27! Ninety degrees and humid! That'll do wonders to the ice storm I dropped on them yesterday.")

The last few years have hit us with some of the most extreme weather I've ever experienced, and it just gets stranger each year. Just imagine it a few years from now: "Yes, son, I can remember it like it was yesterday. Back in the early 1990s, folks could still rely on the order of the seasons. School children would cut out paper snowflakes in December, golfers could drive their carts outside without chains on the tires, and snowmen wouldn't boil away the morning after they were made."

This hemisphere has experienced a year of record-breaking snowstorms, earthquakes, droughts, heavy rains, floods, and hurricanes, sometimes occurring one right after another. Just how far away we are from swarms of locusts and raining frogs is anyone's guess. Here in the northeast U.S., two heavy snows that knocked down trees and telephone poles were sandwiched between two weeks of seventy-degree sunshine. Apparently, someone's changed the old adage to "March comes in like a lion, changes into Godzilla, and then goes out like a lamb."

And to think, there are actually some corporate types out there that will publically claim with a straight face that humans and our industries have no detrimental affect on the environment. Weather patterns that change almost as often as Michael Jackson changes faces is a fair indicator that we do. Perhaps this is Ma Earth's way of sending us humans the message, "Y'know, folks, you're getting kinda heavy. You mind riding somewhere else?" Maybe we've worn out our welcome here and we're being hinted to it's time to go. Sort of like putting on the Yoko Ono albums when your party guests have stayed too late.

Let's hope nature has decided to go back on schedule soon, and that if we have somehow angered the Mighty Weather Gods out there, that we may get back in their good graces. Until then, I'm keeping my parka out of the attic, and keeping watch out my window for frogs.


LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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Dan O'Leary is a contributor to New Jersey Lifestyle Magazine.

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."

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