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June 2005

When I was in college, my Expository Writing class was given an assignment by our professor (who is sort of the stepfather of These Days, to his credit or blame, depending on your point of view). "What is Irony? Give a real-life example." Well, doc, I don't remember my answer ten years ago, but I've come up with a much better example.

Two words: "aerosol sunscreen."

This summer, several TV stations have been repeatedly airing a commercial for a new spray-on sunblock. Yes, spray-on. In the commercial, happy sun-seekers of all ages beat a path to the happy mom's beach blanket to get gassed with SPF goodness. Of course, what you don't get to see is the line of people circling back around á la Dr. Seuss's Sneetches, because the constant spraying eats away more of the ozone layer, and the sunbakers need yet another coat to keep from bursting into flame.

Is this really progress? I doubt it. In fact, it's not even a new idea. When I was younger, my mother would take us to the beach and bring at least two cans of some industrial-strength aerosol sun protection in the old-style thick spray cans with the marble inside, usually labeled "Solar Gas," or something equally scary. Mom would layer my siblings and I in at least two thick coats of the stuff. (I guess the first one was the primer.) The spray smelled like the Newark (I'm from New Jersey, so I'm an authority), and gave the skin an unnatural shine strong enough to deflect laser blasts. You know, just in case aliens were to invade the beach.

The engineers who invented these products obviously never went outside the lab, or they would have realized that there is always some degree of breeze at the beach. During our dousings, the spray cloud would inevitably find it's way into at least one child's eye. To this day, I my eyes still start tearing at the sound of a marble rattling in a can of Krylon. Too bad Pavlov wasn't around to see it.

I guess that pain is my price for helping to kill the Earth's atmosphere. If you were to map out that ever-expanding hole in our planet's ozone layer, there would be several square meters labeled "O'Leary family trips to Seaside Heights, NJ, 1970-1980."

Now, this new sunscreen is probably a bit safer than the dioxin-in-a-can I was exposed to as a kid. But our protective atmosphere has gotten a lot weaker in those last few decades as well. The last thing our oxygen supply needs is more gasses trying to intimidate it like a high school A/V nerd stuck in the football team's locker room. How about something that both protects your skin AND helps replenish the ozone layer? I'd buy stock in anything that will keep me from having to eventually cover myself in lead shielding whenever I want to take a swim.

In the battle between convenience and responsibility, however, convenience is Mohammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Ghengis Khan. If, for example, someone discovered we would end world hunger and ban all wars forever if we just got rid of our TV remote controls, we'd say, "Well, how about MOST world hunger and war, and we keep just the channel Up and Down buttons?" and go another round on the 500 channels looking for something more interesting than The All-Rerun Channel. (Which, these days, looks like all of them.)

On the bright side, I'll still have a great example of irony to pass on to my grandkids years from now, once we humans retreat from the surface of the earth and we all glow from the unfiltered radiation. My professor would have been proud.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."