They Blinded Us With Science

October 1997

"Who coined the phrase 'knowlege of power'? Knowlege is power only when it doesn't depress you too much to get out of bed in the morning."
-Paula Poundstone

My original plan was to take some potshots at the new fall TV lineup, but I decided against it. Andrew Dice Clay, Tom Arnold, and Tony Danza are far too easy targets. Calling these new shows mindless is like saying Jeffrey Dalmer has a slight eating disorder. So in keeping with the Halloween holiday spirit, I've lined up something a bit scarier than another season of "Suddenly Susan."

Here's the "Cliff's Notes" version of the story. NASA, whose acronym apparently now stands for "Nuking Airspace for Scientific Advancement," is preparing to launch the Cassini space probe to survey Venus. The probe is powered by 72 pounds of plutonium 237, a substance so potent, a single pound of its dust spread over the Earth's surface is fatal. This rocket series has a history of accidents, and the heat shielding around it was called "a joke" by ex-NASA employees. NASA announced there was really nothing to worry about; the chances of an accident turning Cassini into a flying plutonium salt shaker are "1500 to 1." Personally, I prefer to hear the word "millions" mentioned when quoting odds of global disaster. If someone guaranteed me a 1500 to 1 chance I'd expire today, I'm not making any long-term investments.

But the fun doesn't end there. The probe will return in two years to "slingshot" around Earth's orbit and head for Saturn. 80% of all satellites launched are no longer in use, so the Little Probe That Could must slalom through our orbiting junkyard without a fender-bender. Picture walking barefoot across a five year-old's bedroom in the dark without stepping on anything, and you're getting the picture.

Has anyone heard about this plan, the NASA employee walkout, or the protests against these federal space-cases on their nightly news show? I know the last two weeks of newscasts I've seen have been about the intimate details of Marv Albert's sex life. Modern sports celebrities with misdemeanor convictions are about as common as periods in a Hemmingway novel, so shouldn't we spend a little time on something more important? Have audiences gotten so shallow we need to play ostrich when faced with serious bad news? I can imagine the conversation with the newsdesk editor now: "Fred, what's this story about NASA possibly nuking the whole planet? I can't use this! Where's the scandal? The celebrities caught in compromising positions? See if you can work in the Royal Family, a Kennedy, or Dennis Rodman in there somewhere, and I'll see what I can do."

Hmm, maybe those new TV shows aren't so bad after all. At least if I'm staring at the tube, I won't notice the sky falling outside.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

These Days Home

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."