Great Taste, Less Dead People

July 1997

Who remembers the pods that took over Earth in the film "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? OK, very good, hands down. Most people believe the film is a work of fiction, but this intrepid writer has discovered the hidden truth. Aliens really are among us, running large corporations that produce harmful products designed to eliminate us humans one by one, and radically change the environment to better suit their approaching invasion fleet. See if you agree with my theory:

In "Flying Blind, Flying Safe," the Department of Transportation's Mary Schiavo describes how the airlines industry permitted numerous airplane crashes by prioritizing profit over safety. I'll make a deal with the airlines to tear up my frequent-flyer coupons if they'll put me back on the ground in one piece.

General Motors, several years ago, saved $11 per car by leaving off a part that would increase survival in car crashes. ("Hmm, we need to lower costs. Should we cut hood ornaments, or safety devices? Better leave off the safety gizmos, we need to keep that brand name visible.")

The Liggett tobacco company revealed secret documents that showed investigators the industry knew 30 years ago that cigarettes were addictive and harmful, manipulated nicotine levels in cigarettes to keep smokers hooked, and committed fraud by lying about the dangers. Maybe that's why The Marlboro Man and Joe Camel don't talk: they can't use their throats anymore.

Forget Steven King and Dean Koontz, the world's scariest book is "The American Dictionary of Food Additives." Check out the ingredients in that "health" food you're eating, and you'll feel like a human test tube. Common additives in many foods are also on the FDA list warranting further study for "possible genetic, tetragenic, or mutogenic effects." I'm having a hard time not thinking about that Snackwell's cookie I just ate taking a big bottle of White-Out to my DNA.

Exxon is lobbying for a mining site in Nashville that is feared will poison the city's water supply. These are the same folks who, after the Valdez spill, sprayed high-powered jets of boiling-hot water on the Alaskan shores to wash away settled oil. The dirty water drained back in the ocean, and hot water killed off the microscopic Arctic animals on the bottom of the food chain. I'm no scientist, but that sounds a bit like an exterminator getting rid of a mouse problem by burning the house down.

McDonalds filed suit against two British environmentalists who claimed the burger chain's food wasn't nutritious. VP David Green refuted the claim by testifying (this is true) that Coca-Cola is "providing water, and I think that is part of a balanced diet." Drink up, Johnny, you haven't finished your morning Coke yet. You want to grow up big and strong, don't you?

As you can see, these acts and others like them can't possibly be the work of human beings. Humans wouldn't contaminate their own backyards and neighbors, would they?

My fellow Earthlings, it's time for us to take a stand. Refuse to purchase products and services from companies staffed by pod people. Companies could even make it a selling point: "Buy from Dirtco, We Don't Kill You," or "Acme Industries: We Don't Employ Pod People." Take the planet back from greedy outworlders, the human race is counting on you!

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."