A Bug's Life

May 2004

This month, we Americans in the Eastern United States are bracing for invasion.

Billions of periodical cicadas will be rising from their 17 year-old underground slumber in mid-May. This year's brood, Brood X, is the largest: one million hatchlings per acre will simultaneously erupt from the ground to begin a six-week breeding ritual, where the hatchlings climb trees, shed their skins, and engage in a noisy courtship that makes Daytona Beach during Spring Break look like Seniors Bingo Night. After the party's over, the females will eat the males in thanks for a job well done, then lay their eggs for another crop of horny teen bugs to hatch in 2021.

To answer our many questions about this mysterious insect, we're interviewing a member of Brood X, cicada #7215454521-J. Let's hope he can shed some light for us.

*   Welcome, #7215454521-J. Thanks for talking with us today.

Please, just call me Jay. Only my mom uses my full name, and only when I'm in trouble.

*   Okay, Jay. So, are you excited about the upcoming ritual?

Gee, I've just spent 17 years underground training to meet girls -- what do you think? In a few days, every wooded area in a dozen states is going to be like a noisy multi-acre singles bar where everybody is looking to hook up and it's ten minutes 'til last call.

*   Periodical cicadas are very different from the common variety we all know. You have black bodies, bright red eyes, and veined amber wings. Your incredibly loud mating call has earned you the nickname "Satan's Parakeets." You also don't try to avoid human contact like other species. Why the difference?

It makes us scarier! We like to trick humans into thinking we're swarms of locusts. Sometimes for kicks, a group will swoop down en masse over a crowd of people and shout "REPENT!" in a scary voice so they think it's ancient Egypt all over again.

*   Hmm, why the antagonistic attitude towards humans?

Hey, give us a break, it's the only thing we've got. Cicadas don't bite or spread any cool diseases like mosquitoes. We don't destroy your homes like termites. We don't sting like bees and wasps. We don't fly real well, since we only have 17 year-old learner's permits. Meanwhile, you humans get to dig us up when you build another Starbucks, and your stupid pets treat us like crunchy Bug McNuggets. We're the largest biomass on earth, so excuse us if we like to throw our weight around every couple of decades. Besides, it's all part of Her plan anyway.

*   Whose plan?

Mother Nature's, or Ma, as we call her. You humans like to think you rule the earth, so Ma likes to put you in your place every now and then, just to remind you who's really in charge. Think about it, it doesn't matter who you are. You might find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile, or in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife...

*   Hey, that's from a Talking Heads song, isn't it?

Give me a break, I haven't heard any new music since 1986. Anyway, you could be this powerful human being, navigating the destiny of a huge corporation and the lives of thousands of employees. But one morning, you can't get to work because the trees are screeching too loud to go outside, your dog's lying on your front doorstep with a engorged bug-belly, and your car won't start because the tailpipe's full of a thousand insects all doing the love mambo.

*   Speaking of the mating ritual, 17 years seems a long time to prepare for only six weeks, doesn't it?

Well, that's just the ritual. After we're all partied out, my friends and I are getting an apartment together and starting a band. Maybe check out some college courses, see what we want to do next.

*   Er, you DO know how this ritual ends, don't you?

Well, not completely. They didn't tell us males a whole lot about that part. Back in fifth grade, they gathered up all the females and and showed them some sort of special movie, but I don't know what it was all about.

*   Let's just say, make sure you're not on your mate's menu before you put a deposit on that apartment.

W-what's that supposed to mean? What have you heard? ...

*   Well, that's all the time we have today. Thanks to our guest for giving us some insight on this fascinating species.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."