Movin' Right Along

September 1998

Throughout human history, groups of humans have left their homes in search of new places to live with better land and more closet space. Even back in primitive times, Ug would complain to her husband Og their current cave was too small and she tired of tripping over the growing piles of chewed mammoth bones. They would then have to pack up their family and posessions, find a comfortable new place to live, kill whoever was occupying it, and move in.

I continued this nomadic tradition when I recently moved my family to a bigger apartment, and I like to share the lessons I've learned with those who haven't left their old caves yet.

First, get help. I mean physical help, not mental (though you may need the latter if you can't get the former). There are two types of help: professional movers, and friends and family. Professionals will charge you lots of money to bounce your items around in a large truck, saving you the trouble of breaking them yourself. Friends and family cost little more than pizza and drinks for a job well done, but will laugh at all the personal junk you've been saving forever and at least one member of your moving crew will remind you for the next millennium he's owed a favor.

Despite its setbacks, I prefer the Friends method. If you have no family or friends, you should get some, even if temporarily. Get adopted into a large Mormon family, for example. Go to a bar, buy the next table a round of drinks, start up a conversation, and casually ask if they happen to be available to move some boxes this weekend.

Consider the time you'll spend moving. Don't try moving everything in one day without a team of paramedics on call. Moving over several days is easier, if you don't mind living surrounded by boxes gathering along the opposite walls, making the room look like it's about to perform mitosis. You'll also have to live with temporarily limited access to your things and furniture. It's a bit like camping, only without all the fresh air, atmosphere, fun, and time off from work.

Marriage is a factor in the move. Bachelor moves are simple: TV, stereo, two trash bags of clothes, and a few crates of CDs. Scientists have proven married people, however, collect stuff at an exponentially higher rate which doubles each year together. There are cases of couples who have had to divorce to keep their attics from exploding.

Moving with young children is a whole new set of challenges. For kids, every empty box is a new jungle gym, and that shoe box of old photos and baseball cards becomes a collection of Frisbees. Try to explain to your children what's going on before they discover they enjoy the sound of fine china banging on tile flooring. If the boxes are large enough, you may catch them packing themselves or younger siblings as well. Our two year-old "helped" by throwing the car keys, the TV remote, and her morning milk bottle into random boxes.

This is not to say there aren't any benefits to moving. You can throw away your Stairmaster and compress a year's worth of activity into a week by moving truckloads of overpacked boxes between two second-story apartments. Need some extra cash? Videotape your clumsiest friends moving the biggest boxes and submit it to "America's Funniest Home Videos." "Sorry, Steve, can't help you with the 'fridge down those stairs, I'm trying to keep the camera steady. You think you could injure that hamstring again? The light was bad on that last shot."

Well, the old place is cleaned and painted (so it looks better than half the time lived there), the boxes are moved, and most of the planet has been notified of our address and phone number change. So if you'll excuse me, I have to start unpacking. My living room resembles the final scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." I hope I can find my daughter in there somewhere. Honey, start checking the boxes.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."