What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation

August 2003

Ah, the warm sunny weather is finally here. Unfortunately, the summer is already half over. Most Americans spent the first half of this wet summer staring at The Weather Channel asking when they could go outside without umbrellas and hip waders. If you're wondering where to start to maximize your summer enjoyment, here are some great suggestions to make your remaining summer season memorable.

My favorite summer destination has always been the beach. When sunbathing, always use sunburn protection on your skin, since the damaged ozone layer has turned the sky into a giant solar magnifying glass with you as the bug. You should also be aware of the typical, everyday ocean hazards, such as schools of jellyfish, reefs of coral, or, if you live near New York City, roving gangs of floating medical waste. (Though swimming near New York City over the years gives most Big Apple beachgoers a Teflon-like skin coating, allowing them to slip past these dangers.)

Many people flock to amusement and theme parks this time of year. If you plan to visit one this summer, remember that you may spend some of your park time on ride lines. The wait time will be roughly equal to your local grocery store's non-express checkout lane manned by a cashier trainee with no arms, who only speaks ancient Aramaic and must make change by mentally converting all currencies to Russian rubles. Or, half the length of the average line at the Motor Vehicles office. Here are some activities to help pass the waiting time.

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING ON RIDE QUEUES:

1. Read War and Peace
2. Write War and Peace
3. Recite every English word containing the letter "e"
4. Transcribe all 13 volumes of Marcelle Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past" into Pig-Latin
5. Evolve

Another favorite vacation activity for book fans is to catch up on recreational reading. Generally, breezy summer afternoons make readers go for lighter literary fare. For example, if you like political thrillers, try Tom Clancy. For love stories, try Danielle Steele. If your heaviest reading is the TV captions under the headshots of Springer show guests, try reading a free medical pamphlet on lobotomization.

Some prefer to answer the call of the open road and take long car trips. If planning a road trip with children, take frequent breaks to avoid tensions between young passengers. Scientists at the THESE DAYS labs have discovered the friction of spinning tires generates a field of static electricity in the middle of the car, and centered around the back seat. This field affects small children, who suddenly feel their arms shoot out and smack the nearest living body within reach. This is why when two perfectly normal kids stay in the back seat for more than ten minutes of any road trip, the middle of the car will erupt with the sounds of, "Mom! Jimmy's hitting me again..." "No, I didn't..." "DAD...!"

For Hollywood, summer is always blockbuster season. If you're a movie buff, make sure to check out the fine, intriguing, original fare at your local theater. Such as the "Bad Boys" sequel, the "Matrix" sequel, the "Terminator" sequel, the "X-Men" sequel, and the "American Pie" sequel. There's also the film based on the old comic book, the other film based on the old comic book, the film based on the "American Idol" kids, the film based on the TV cop show, and the film based on the sequels of "Jason" and "Freddy Kruger" movies. The possibilities are endless!

For people who really love the Great Outdoors and want to get in touch with their inner Grizzly Adams, camping in woods is a great activity. There's nothing quite like "roughing it" to become one with nature. Of course, my idea of "roughing it" means leaving the DVD player home because the portable generator only provides enough power to run the TV, boom box, portable heater, toaster oven, GPS unit, and laptop computer (*without* wireless Internet...that would be cheating the camping experience).

There's a good start, now get out there and start enjoying your summer. I'll be heading off too -- I've got hours of Weather Channel tapes to get through.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."