Regis Picks a President

November 1999

Over the last couple of months, reporters have been cornering our aspiring presidential candidates with pop quizzes on current events and the names of world leaders. Most of the candidates, unfortunately, have fared about as well as your dog attempting to explain Einstein's Theory. If these are truly the best and the brightest our political system can offer, it's time to play by a new set of rules.

Previously, I suggested we should select a new President with the Zen method: draft the guy too smart to want the job in the first place. This time I'll try something a little more popular. Regis Philbin's new TV quiz show, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," is all the ratings smash, so I propose a sequel: "Who Wants to Be the President?" (Let's be grammatically correct and add the question mark in the title this time.)

On the show, Presidential hopefuls would have to get through the convenient 800-number screening process for a chance to sit in the Hot Seat with Reege and attempt to correctly answer the progressively tougher questions. The winner gets an all-expense paid trip to the Oval Office. Contestants will be allowed one "lifeline" to consult with legal counsel.

"OK, everyone! Let's play 'Who Wants to Be the President?'" (Cue theme music, lights.)

$100 Question: Which one of these is attached to your body?

(A) A hole in the ground, (B) A hole in the ground, (C) Your butt.

(The first question is always easy, though I have my doubts many would get past it.)

$200 Question: What is the opening line to the Preamble of the Constitution?

(A) "We hold these truths to be self-evident..." (B) "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union..." (C) "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."

$400 Question: Your party's basic position is best described as:

(A) Liberal, (B) Conservative, (C) Missionary.

$1,000 Question: Your party's platform on the issues differs from your own personal beliefs. You should...

(A) Stick in unity with my party, (B) Switch parties, (C) Offer my platform on eBay to the highest bidder.

$2,000 Question: If elected, what would be the best method for choosing your staff?

(A) Background checks, (B) Résumés, (C) Swimsuit competitions

$4,000 Question: In 1995, the Pentagon accidentally sold five laptop computers with highly classified information on their hard drives, and cannot account for $22 billion of their 1999 budget. How can this be fixed?

(A) Increase security measures, (B) Reduce their budget, (C) We'll put our heads down on our desks and whoever took the stuff can return it anonymously.

$16,000 Question: What is the answer to the "Star Wars" weapons debate?

(A) Scrap the project, (B) Increase research, (C) Light sabers are a hundred times cooler than those weak blasters the Stormtroopers carry.

$32,000 Question: What should be done with our armed forces?

(A) Decrease the budget - the Cold War's over, (B) Increase the budget to fight terrorism, (C) March across the border and annex Canada to increase the number of taxpayers.

$64,000 Question: How can we fix the economy?

(A) Raise taxes, (B) Cut programs, (C) Have Bill Gates buy the government and make it profitable.

$125,000 Question: What is the best plan for the environment?

(A) Increase pollution regulations. (B) Improve recycling programs. (C) Worry about it when the animals get to vote.

$250,000 Question: How should be done about health care?

(A) Raise taxes and give universal health care to all, (B) Cap insurance charges, (C) There is no health care problem, my doctor's just fine.

$500,000 Question: What should be done about gun control?

(A) Lift all restrictions, (B) Ban all guns, (C) Shoot Charleton Heston.

And finally, the Ultimate Question:

Which one of these is NOT a branch of government?

(A) Executive (B) Judicial (C) Legislative (D) The special-interest groups that paid buckets of cash to get me elected.

Think our top current contenders would survive? George W. Bush would be asking for additional lifelines to call his dad. Al Gore would say, "Er, did I mention I invented the Internet?" while he waited for the opinion poll results to come back for each question. Ralph Nader would spend his time complaining about the sponsors in between commercial breaks. Harry Browne would say it's the audience's responsibility to decide what the answers are correct. Pat Buchanan would be too busy wondering what country the name Philbin comes from to answer any questions. I'm going to pitch this to ABC right now.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."