Dial R for Retaliation

November 1997

[I should note here that AT&T's current logo is a large shaded sphere, and that James Earl "Darth Vader" Jones is Bell Atlantic's spokesman. The following makes a little more sense if you know that.]

Damark's annual catalog is full of those high-tech need-it-now gizmos that usually end up in the closet with the rest of their as-seen-on-TV brethren. The new edition, however, may be on to something. It features a phone device that, at the push of a button, will apologize to and hang up on telemarketers. Call-ees too courteous to hang up or too weak to say "no" can now easily dispose of unwanted solicitors who are determined to sell meat products by mail or an eighty year subscription to "Gullible Consumer Weekly."

The device is a good idea, but as someone who likes to throw worker drones a psychological curve ball -- i.e. handing a cashier a ten-dollar bill, a single, and two cents for my $5.97 total and watching for signs of panic -- I prefer a more creative solution for my solicitors. Many telemarketers can't stray beyond their script and drone on endlessly despite repeated "no's." Give 'em the strangest, most bizarre answers possible, and watch what happens. Think of it as a public service: cheap entertainment for you, a challenging opportunity for a fellow member of the work force.

Here's an example from a telecommunications company whom my wife had already turned down several times:

"...We had spoken with your wife, who told us that you'd be interested in switching your phone service to our company." My intelligent wife said nothing of the sort.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry you were misinformed. I like my service's 'Star Wars' motif. My long distance company has that cool Death Star logo, and my local company's spokesman is Darth Vader."

Long pause. My nemesis, finding a place to resume her script, continued.

"Er...well, we think you'll like our company much better, we..."

"Well, what does your logo look like?"

"Er..."

"What famous film star does your announcements?"

"Er..."

"If you change your logo or get some movie star to do your voice-overs, I might change my mind. I'm very fond of some other movies as well."

"Well, uh, thank you very much." Click.

Now, I understand most telemarketers are human beings (to some extent) and are simply doing their jobs. But many of these formally-pleasant salesfolk are now aggressive phone commandos ready to storm the beaches of my own private Normandy. I make it my goal to give them a verbal battle they'll not soon forget.

Here are some other responses that have helped me in my fight against these electronic intruders. I hope they work as well for you.

"Listen, nobody's home, and I'm robbing the place. Could you possibly call back later?"

"How do I know you're not from the FBI? They're probably listening RIGHT NOW!"

"Would you call back again later? We're in the middle of the virgin sacrifice right now."

"Do you have special discounts for nudists?"

"I'm terribly sorry. Everyone else is out at the moment, and I don't speak a word of English."

"Can I call your home during YOUR dinner if I'm not entirely satisfied?"

"I'm sorry, but this is the Psychic Hotline. You're being charged $4.99 per minute."

Of course, for those of you with lives have better things to do than battle wits with a complete stranger, there's always the telemarketer hang-up device. I'm sure the Damark people will thank you.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."