OK, folks! Drink ‘em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!

January 1998

As 1997 becomes a memory, we take one last look at the year that was. Unlike other Year-in-Review articles, we're celebrating some of the dubious achievements of 1997 that are gone forever. Here's a sampling.

In finance, Microsoft's Bill Gates lost $38 billion -- my income for the next 1.1 million years -- in one day's stock market crash, shrugged, and continued to build even bigger computer programs to help count his money. TV stars earned lots of money this year by demanding $100,000 per episode. After all, we can't expect sitcom actors to be happy owning just two Ferraris, can we?

In the world of science, the Mir space station/floating money pit suffered a series of mishaps, and the Russians tried to sell it as a fixer-upper. Scientists discovered Gourmand Syndrome, a condition that makes people crave gourmet food. (Picture someone running into a restaurant shouting "Please! Sauté me something!" and claiming it on his insurance.) The IBM supercomputer Deep Blue beat chess legend Garry Kasparov, his first loss to a machine. Deep Blue's new agent later announced it will challenge Michael Jordan to a full-court one-on-one in 1998.

At the movies, 1997 was the Year of the Sequel: "Batman 4", "Scream 2", "Alien 4", "Speed 2", "Star Trek 7", "Free Willy 3", "Jurassic Park 2" and "Home Alone 3". Fortunately, no "Showgirls 2" could out-dumb the first film, sparing a grateful public. "Titanic" became the most expensive film of all time, costing over $120 million, or what Bill Gates earns while brushing his teeth. Low-budget film "The Full Monty" made full-frontal nudity of pudgy middle-aged men popular. This, of course, couldn't happen in ten years when I could enjoy both my age and physique being in vogue.

1997 had its share of nutty sports celebrities. Basketball star Lapels Squeezewell, er, Latrell Spreewell, choked his coach and was suspended, as opposed to the criminal charges any non-athlete would have faced after attacking their boss. Both Marv Albert and Mike Tyson experienced teething problems while partially clothed (though Marv's fashion choice drew more comments).

On the music scene, pop queens the Spice Girls released two multiplatinum albums before ever performing publicly, and are releasing a movie in early 1998. (Somewhere, the New Kids on the Block look on with envious eyes.) Problems on the 8-, 12-, and 16 year-old Hanson brothers' concert tour included a constant whining "are we there yet?" from the back of the bus, and the driver threatening to turn around and go home if the band didn't behave. Rock veteran Bob Dylan played for the Pope, though both needed a mumbles-to-Polish translator. The Rolling Stones limited their concert venues according to which arenas had stages with wheelchair access.

In other news, the Heaven's Gate cult left this earth with pocket change and new Nike sneakers to hitch a ride from passing aliens heralded by the Halle-Bopp comet. Apparently, on the route to the Hereafter, it's important to have proper footwear and money for tolls. Mattel Toys announced the new "Barbie" doll will have a more realistic physique, which means real-life Barbies like Pamela Lee will spend even more on plastic surgery to keep up. This year's "Tickle Me Elmo" toy craze was the electronic pet, a small game where humans have to care for, play with, and "feed" a small animated creature to keep him from "dying." Let's hope kids with real pets realize they can't replace Rover's batteries if they forget to feed him.

So let's sip the champagne, raise a toast to Dick Clark, and begin 1998. Should 1997 be forgot, and never brought to mind.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."