Christmas Carol Cutouts

December 2004

The morning DJ's on my local radio station just did a special countdown of the most annoying Christmas songs of all time. I expected a few of the usual suspects -- "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and "Dominick the Donkey" for starters. But there were a few glaring omissions that need to be included, and if we could remove them from every Muzak and radio playlist, I feel the rest of our Yuletide season would be a lot more jolly. Here are my top picks.

1. "JINGLE BELLS" (Barbara Streisand)
Traditionally, the clip-clop tempo of "Jingle Bells" is supposed to mimic the sleigh bells on a trotting horse. Ms. Steisand's version, however, starts slow, and without warning, suddenly lurches forward at full throttle. Apparently, Barbara scared the horses, which are now galloping out of control, leaving us listeners to wait for the song to end to the sound of screeching traffic and blood-curdling screams.

"There was nothing we could do," the driver will say later. "Streisand started warbling at Warp Factor 9, the darn horses went crazy, and we couldn't get out of the way. Ma, hand me the Yuletide rifle, will ya?"

2. "THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY" (all versions)
Remember "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"? I've drank countless beers to purge that song from my head, because the story would never happen in the real world. If both members of a couple catch each other setting up secret rendezvous with strangers with plans to break at least one Commandment, there should be a lot more bloodshed. "The Little Drummer Boy" makes the same mistake. (Okay, not the bloodshed part, but you'll see what I mean.)

As both a parent and a musician, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's this: If you're the parent of a sleeping newborn, and you're receiving gold-carrying well-wishers, the absolute last thing you want at that moment is the neighbor's budding Buddy Rich to come over and show how loud he can solo.

To prove this point, I performed an experiment. I placed my teething 11 month-old on a bale of hay in our bedroom, rented assorted livestock from a local farmer, and borrowed my friend's snare drum. After spending 30 minutes putting the baby to sleep, I gave my six year-old son a pair of sticks and told him to start.

"But Dad," he said, tension building in his voice, "Evan'll wake up and cry again."

"I know, son," I assured him, "but it's in the interest of science."

The results? Let's just say the baby wasn't the only one crying. (I meant me. My son hid in the bathroom until it was over.)

3. "BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE" (all versions)
Someone decided to call this a holiday tune, even though the song has nothing to do with Christmas. It's about a woman who wants to go home but is confronted by a overzealous beau who's looking to get his presents early, so to speak. All men, please raise your hand if you've ever convinced a woman to stay the night by telling her about the current wind-chill factor. I thought so.

The lyrics, mildly teasing when they were written decades ago, now sound just plain creepy. "Hey, what's in this drink?" she asks. Hmm, I'll wager a stocking it's not egg nog.

The rest of the verses aren't much better, especially for my daughter who has been learning the words to Christmas carols on the radio. If anyone has a good answer when a seven year-old asks, "Dad, why are the lady's lips delicious?" please let me know.

4. "MY FAVORITE THINGS" (all versions)
Yet another tune that gets thrown in with the Christmas songs because a single line mentions packages. (Using this logic, Don McClean's "American Pie" is about baking.) The rest of the lyrics mention such wonderful things as dog bites and bee stings -- not exactly typical holiday fare.

(My apologies if there's actually a place that celebrates the season with dog bites and bee stings. We practice tolerance here at These Days, so please think of me as you release the ceremonial rabid pit bulls and angry yellowjackets.)

Please, do not take this song's advice. If you're attacked by any animal, DO NOT sit around remembering kitten whiskers and presents. You should remember the damn route to the hospital and get some first aid pronto.

5. "SANTA BABY" (all versions)
I only know of two versions of this song, but that's two too many. Ertha Kitt's original is only mildly annoying, but it is slower and therefore takes longer to finish.

Madonna's version, while shorter, is far worse. Her voice tries to sound chirpy and sexy like Betty Boop, but it ends up sounding more like Olive Oyle after a bottle of Jack Daniels and a carton of Lucky Strikes.

I'm sensing a lot of mail this topic in the near future. If you have an unfavorite tune I've forgotten, send it along. Keep those cards and letters coming. And we don't frown on currency enclosed in those cards either. It's the least we can do to help you celebrate your holiday.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

These Days Home

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."