Happy New ...1979?

January 2003

As we enter a new year, I look back over the last 12 months and have to ask the question: exactly which year was this? Oh, sure, the calendar says it was 2002, but as I read the news, watch the TV, and review this year's events, I think our old years are in reruns. Maybe we entered some sort of "Twilight Zone" time warp; I keep glancing to the corner of the room expecting to see Rod Serling in the shadows smoking a cigarette.

Take a look at these following years, and see if you get déja-vu too.

I think this year was actually a repeat of 1972. Elvis, The Rolling Stones, and The Beatles all had top-selling albums. North Korea decided to turn to the dark side again and attempt to acquire nukes, thinking since all of their friends have them, they must be cool. (The UN countered with the standard, "If China jumped off a building, would you jump too?") In the Middle East, Israelis and Palestinians scrapped the peace process, so they wouldn't have to let all those centuries of hating each other go to waste.

This year could have been a rerun of 1979. My kids have been eyeing up toy ads for things like Lite Brite, Elastic Plastic, Shrinky Dinks, and Rock'em Sock'em Robots. Moviegoers packed theaters this summer to check out the new "Star Wars" movie. Velour, the fabric that looks like a shiny animal pelt that's been given a crewcut, became fashionable again, as well as dirtied-up jeans that look like you just spent three days passed out on someone's couch after a Grateful Dead festival. Speaking of music, Kiss made millions with their fire-and-brimstone, makeup-and-chest hair concert tour. And "Lady Marmelade" made radio listeners learn French just to find out what the heck "voulez vous couche avec moi" means.

Maybe this year was 1985 redux. My kids' TV shows are advertising new ones all based on some militant Reagan-era toy series: "Transformers," "GI Joe," "He-Man," and "Power Rangers." Phil Donahue is ranting on his talk show again. "E.T." set records at the box office, and in merchandising. The Who did their "farewell" tour (...uh huh) as Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band conquered the world. Robin Williams released a new once-a-decade comedy album. Cabbage Patch Kids and Care Bears became popular toys again. And a movie about an Australian crocodile hunter encouraged way too many bad impressions of Aussie accents and catchprases, by crykie. (Okay, maybe it wasn't as bad as the original 1985 -- at least there was no new Police Academy movie.)

The year could've been a repeat of 1992. Nineties rock icons Pearl Jam and Nirvana topped the charts with new albums. In sports, Michael Jordan announced his retirement (again), and Pete Rose came back from the shadows to lobby for his un-banishment from baseball (though his bookie gave him odds he wouldn't make it). In Washington DC, Republicans celebrated recapturing the majority in Congress with promises of big changes and reforms, and then resumed Congress' monkey-business as usual about eight minutes later. President George Bush focused less on the struggling economy and kept threatening to go to war against Iraq. Saddam Hussein, Iraq's ruling nut, kept denying he was producing nukes, but kept saying it in front of a large warehouse he was barricading -- the one with a "THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A WEAPONS FACILITY" sign on it. Michael Jackson got lots of press for acting very very weird in public...no, wait, he does that every year.

Well, whatever the coming year holds, let's all hope for the best. May you have a prosperous new year and great happiness over the coming months. And take comfort in a few of the constants in our lives: family and friends, Dick Clark talking you through New Year's Eve, and Michael Jackson keeping us entertained with everything he does that isn't singing. But if you do see Rod Serling hanging around the calendar, tell him to knock it off.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."