Hollywood Halloween Horrors

October 2003

It's that spooky time of year once again. Time for all sorts of ghastly, fiendish creatures to crawl out of hiding and come calling. No, I'm not talking about the in-laws coming to visit. It's Halloween, the season for all kinds of beasties to unpack the chains, sharpen the claws, and get together to go bump in the night.

For us humans, however, Halloween can be a tough holiday season. People often become victims of the wild carousing of various species of Chainsaw-Wielding Maniacs (CWMs), otherworldly beasties, and members of the local Undead Union. Sort of like being in a hotel during a Shriner's convention, only with more fangs.

Therefore, to help my fellow humanoids survive this season, I've compiled a list of Halloween survival tips, courtesy of my many years of experience watching Hollywood horror films.

FACT: The monster is ALWAYS behind you.
REASON: When being chased by a monster, some people will stop running and walk backwards to see if the coast is clear. They eventually bump into the monster, which has been watching the fool human back into him for ten minutes.
SOLUTION: If you've lost the monster, avoid backing in or out of any room. You'll miss the smell of rancid-flesh halitosis coming from that dark corner. If the monster is still chasing you, don't look back to see if he's still there. He is. You'll only end up tripping over your own feet and becoming the Victim du Jour.

FACT: No, it's not dead. It's a trick.
REASON: The monster that has been chasing you is lying at your feet. If it has survived bullets, fire, explosives, and collisions with motor vehicles, it's a good bet that your single lucky hit with a shovel hasn't felled it permanently.
SOLUTION: Run! Avoid the impulse to get three inches from its face to see if it's dead. The faint sound of chuckling coming from the monster should be your first clue.

FACT: There are no real estate agents in the afterlife.
REASON: When a ghost finds a place to call home, he always stays put, no matter how many times mortals try to chase him off. He's like an otherworldly old neighbor who sits on his porch and constantly yells at the local kids to get off his lawn.
SOLUTION: Stay away from places that could contain numerous undead spirits. Avoid moving anywhere called "Indian Burial Ground Condos" or visiting any place called "Bunch Of People Chopped Up By A Deranged Caretaker Hotel."

FACT: Dead People are stupid.
REASON: The creepy kid from "The Sixth Sense" is right: the dead don't realize they're dead. Most believe they are still relevant creatures, living in an era that became obsolete long ago...much like the typical Republican.
SOLUTION: Calmly explain to the ectoplasmic anomaly that they're late for their appointment in a higher plane of existence. If done correctly, the Dead Person will realize your argument explains why he's worn the same clothes for 85 years, and promptly depart.

FACT: The Living aren't much smarter.
REASON: You'd think by now, the Living would try to avoid tangles with monsters in the first place. But they always stick their noses into places they shouldn't, and face severe consequences when they get caught with their (literal) pants down...much like the typical Democrat. (See? I'm an equal-opportunity fun-poker.)
SOLUTION: Use the buddy system. If one of your Living Person friends catches you about to do something that'll add you to the ranks of the Deadites, they should step in and stop you. Likewise, if your friend's next action might turn him into monster chum, simply nod, and send him on his way, buying yourself a little escape time.

FACT: Zombies have David Blaine beat by a mile.
REASON: Like the famous escape artist, zombies tend to escape from places they're buried. (The difference being people actually pay attention to zombies.) Scientists are still studying how zombies can somehow escape past a closed coffin and six cubic feet of dirt. (I guess that much effort would explain why they're so hungry once they've worked their way to the surface.)
SOLUTION: If you must kill someone this holiday season, take precautions to insure your subject can't come back to avenge his death. Buy a coffin with additional locks, and stay away from those revolving door models. And please do not dump the body in a dark swamp or near any radioactive material. You're only asking for trouble.

FACT: When you're in the woods, getting naked + getting lucky = getting dead.
REASON: Whenever young people give in to their hormones out in the middle of nowhere, they always feel the need to break off from the group to find a secluded spot for a little biology lesson. This makes them vulnerable to CWM attack, to the point where they're too busy getting their thing on to notice their partner is currently being eviscerated. (No, Doctor Love, those screams aren't for you.)
SOLUTION: Group sex! If you or your friends must engage in carnal acts, do it in a large group in an open area. Sure, the CWM will still come after all of you, but there's a lesser chance you'll be first target, and you can duck behind the nearest naked body for cover.

Just follow these simple tips, and you'll be sure to have a safe and enjoyable Halloween. Oh, yeah, one last thing: if a bunch of monsters come knocking on your door demanding candy, don't panic. They're probably just a bunch of trick-or-treaters. But when you answer the door, keep your chainsaw handy...just in case.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."