Outsourcing? Outstanding!

April 2004

To Dan:

We here at Humorist Outsourcing Solutions applaud your brave decision to outsource yourself and bring These Days into the new economic century. It can be tough when people realize they are much too expensive to employ even themselves, but I'm sure you'll let yourself down easy.

Attached is your new column. It was researched and written by our overseas consultants in several Third World countries, typed by Russian prisoners, proofread by a class of Indian sixth-graders, then re-translated into English by Chinese typists using a copy of "Speaking English in One Hour" for reference. Considering your writing style in previous columns, your readers shouldn't notice any difference.

We value your patronage and hope you will continue doing business with us.

One word of caution: Please be sure to remove this letter before publishing the column! After all, that would be stupid.

Regards,

Dewey Havaclue
Humorist Outsourcing Solutions
"Because thinking things up alone is hard."

Many is the talk now of the trends new in outsourcing. "Offshoring" is the moving jobs from America to others countries overseas. Foreign workers are earning far less moneys for the same work, which allows the company to cut expensives.

But many are people who are upset of this. At first, only manufacturing jobs were moved, and promise they did to increasing the number of collar white jobs. But now jobs of these are now also leaving. People saying that Americans losing they jobs just so companies can be greedy and increase their prophets.

Well, I am saying outsourcing is a thing that is good! Many are the super great things that come when jobs are exporteded to other countries. Here some examples are.

If companies can't keep making more moneys, then the economy will shut down. No won will be able to make large campain donations to political candidates. If that happens, no won will be elected! Imagine if we had to decide our new leaders with no TV commercials to tell us who is best?

Americans have too much moneys all ready. They are should be sharing it with others around the world. If any American needs more moneys, they should do what other Americans do: slap somebody with a big lawsuit and make a millions dollars! They should look for places where it is easy to slip and fall down, spill hot coffee on themselfs, or find a mean person so they can claiming "mental cruelty."

If Americans lose they're jobs, they will have more time for fun things in life! They can take their families on trips to see Mickey Mouse, or the Shopping Mall. Or maybe go to the big office that is now empty, and point to the place where they used to work every day.

Most improtantly, there is no difference between outsourced and domesticated products. Yes, these workers have worse working conditions, no insurance of healthy, and a fraction of the pay, but corporations are always making sure there products is of the best quality always!

Sew you see? Outsourcing is the new wave of the future for American business. Anyone who doesn't believe that better have a good example to proof me wrong!

Attention
Recent economic changes have made it necessary for some reorganization here at These Days, Inc. Starting immediately, the job of "reader" (that's you) has been relocated to a small fishing village in Upper Bozobia. While the villagers have little grasp on American pop culture or news, they have been taught to loudly laugh at any mention of Michael Jackson or Jennifer Lopez. We apologize for the inconvenience.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."