Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"

September 2000

Well, the 2000 summer movie season is over. But did it ever really start? Despite summer being a big-money season for Hollywood, a recent Associated Press article grumbled there were no real blockbusters to speak of this year. The few movies that did make any money were new versions of old ideas. Mission: Impossible is a decades-old TV show. X-Men is a decades-old comic book. Gladiator is decades-old Ben Hur redux (I sense a pattern here). Me Myself and Irene is another Dumb & Dumber. Big Momma's House is Mrs. Doubtfire with a UPN cast. You get the idea.

You and I already know the reason for this: Hollywood's out of new ideas. Movie studios have been reusing the same ideas for years now, but it looks like they're hitting the bottom of the Recycle Bin. (That would explain Highlander 4.) If we don't want to eventually see Jurassic Park 8: More Dinosaurs Eating People, the only thing left to do is to mix old movies together to make something new. Here's a few I came up with to jump-start the brains of our So-Cal screen scribes. I'll expect my royalty checks in the mail shortly.

Showgirls in the 'Hood:

The gritty story of a troupe of scantily clad exotic dancers trying to succeed on the tough ghetto streets.

Forrest Gump's Day Off:

A simple-minded shrimp magnate and his friends play hooky from work for a day and have a series of amazing adventures involving famous people in history.

All Reservoir Dogs Go To Heaven:

When a bank heist goes bad, Mr. Pink enlists the help of an animated heavenly canine spirit.

Oh, God, You Devil's Advocate:

John Milton's new recruit for his law firm is George Burns, who reveals himself to be God.

Close Encounters of the Sixth Sense:

A psychiatrist helps a boy who sees dead aliens flying over Devil's Tower, Arizona.

Rambo 7: The Search For Spock:

Stallone's bare-chested commando is back. This time he's behind enemy Klingon lines to rescue the Federation's most revered Vulcan.

Being Happy Gilmore:

A puppeteer finds a secret doorway into the head of an Adam Sandler character.

Weird Pulp Science Fiction:

A series of vignettes involving two hitmen and their party-girl creation.

The Island of Doctor Doolittle:

The good Doctor tires of talking with regular animals and tries his hand at making some new ones.

When Harvey Met Sally:

A romantic comedy about the lifetime relationship between a woman and a giant invisible rabbit.

A Friday the 13th Halloween Poltergeist Nightmare on Elm Street:

You can guess the plot of this one.

Rosencrantz and Gildenstern's Excellent Adventure:

Two characters living during the events of Shakespeare's "Hamlet" are given a time machine and have a series of comic misadventures in stories from other time periods.

The Empire Strikes Back Hard With A Vengeance:

Trapped within the Empire's new Death Star, John McClain must elude Stormtroopers and stop the station before it reaches it's next target...armed with only duct tape, some rope, and a stolen lightsaber.

I Know What You Did Last Groundhog Day:

Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again trying to elude a psychotic rodent.

Father of the Bride of Frankenstein:

A lighthearted, sentimental story about a mad scientist coming to grips with his creature's wedding day.

A Few Good Men in Black:

Military attorney Tom Cruise tries to uncover what the MIB really is. Agent J (Jack Nicholson) tells him "You can't HANDLE the truth!" and flashes away his memory with a neuralizer.

The Last Temptation of Austin Powers:

Trapped in one of Doctor Evil's nefarious devices, Britain's wildest secret agent struggles with dreams of working for the bad guys.

The King Kong and I:

After parting the King of Siam's palace, Anna goes to another distant land and teaches etiquette to yet another brutish king.

The Sound Of Music II: Electric Boogaloo:

Set in the 1980s, the Von Trapp Family Singers roll with the times, dump their repertoire of European folk songs and become a wild break-dancing hip-hop group.

Waiting To Exhale Fried Green Tomato Soul Food at Mystic Pizza:

Four women are ... no, even I have limits.

Looks like I've started a hot new trend. Anyone have Francis Ford Coppola's phone number? I want to peddle my new script, "The Nutty Godfather."

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."