You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?

March 2003

Should restaurants be responsible for the bad eating habits of their customers? That's what was being argued in court earlier this month when a Manhattan judge threw out a lawsuit against the McDonald's corporation. A number of overweight teens and their families have sued McDonald's, claiming the company is responsible for making them fat. One parent of a 380-pound 14-year old who frequented McDonald's several times a day wanted the fast food giant to put warning labels on all their products, much like the ones on cigarettes that convinced everyone to quit smoking and put the Marlboro Man out of business. (Uh-huh.)

Not to sound like a corporate cheerleader, but I'm pretty sure that everyone who walks into a McDonald's does so of their own free will. I've never seen Ronald McDonald peek out of a dark alley behind the place and say, "Hey, man! Come check this out. I got McNuggetts, I got Big Macs and fries. Hell, this week I even got a McRib! Here, just try something. The first one's free...you'll be back."

This isn't to say there's a halo over those golden arches either. McDonald's has been caught with dirty hands on a few occasions, and failed to to get their gloves clean. (I picture the McClown pulling a Lady MacBeth: "Out, damned grease!")

The company landed in hot water (hot oil?) when vegetarians discovered their French fries were cooked in beef tallow. "I feel so much healthier since I swore off meat. Now I just eat these deep-fried vegetables that make that cute mooing sound when you bite them."

Last year, angry patrons found they'd been hamburgled by the company's rigged "Monopoly" and "Millionaire" contests, where some employees managed to keep the prizes for themselves. (Mayor McCheese must've been asleep on watch that day.) I imagine I'd be pretty mad too if I had scarfed down four years' worth of Royales with Cheese in the hopes of hitting it big financially, but only ending up big biologically.

And several years ago, there was the famous "McLibel" case regarding a published report on Mickey D's menu. One McSpokesperson responded to nutritional allegations by stating (true fact) Coca Cola is "providing water, and I think that is part of a balanced diet." Using this logic, since humans are 75% water, I can provide a healthy meal for my family by barbecuing my neighbors. Maybe I should invite them for dinner.

But despite the typical corporate mental shell games, people need to occasionally find the ON button for their brains and think for themselves. Here's a couple of tips:

If you eat enough greaseburger to win all the game pieces in those contests, don't waste your time trying to win cars, bicycles, or trips. Get something useful -- like a liposuction treatment, an EKG machine, or several quarts of clean blood. You'll need it.

Or, if you're a parent and your child passes the 300-pound mark, explain to the youngster the four food groups are not burgers, nuggets, fries, and cookies. That kind of weight gain is slow enough to take notice...unless your child is the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. "Y'know, Johnny, I've noticed you've taking to wearing the drapes lately. Do you think you might want to keep it down to a dozen Biggie Meals a day?"

Well, the plaintiffs claim they're going to appeal, and I can only hope the next judge will do the same as this one did. I'd hate to see this kind of behavior spread to other food establishments. The owners of buffet-style restaurants will have to monitor their customers' food intake. "I'm sorry, sir, but your entree privileges have been suspended. You'll be restricted to the salad bar for 10 minutes. Once reinstated, I can allow you access to the dessert tray upon proof you can manage a single push-up without experiencing total coronary arrest."

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."