Writer's Block Ahead

[THESE DAYS: A Commentary]
A collection of attempted humor by Dan O'Leary


COLUMNS
(* - Reader's Pick)
Pluto Downsized
August 2006

Farewell, Ted and Gloria
March 2006

Cheney's Got a Gun
February 2006

How Deadly is That Sin?*
December 2005

Back to Skool*
September 2005

Little Tykes, Big Bucks*
August 2005

FYI: the 411 on TXT
July 2005

Hot Topics
June 2005

Brought To You By The Letters OMG*
April 2005

Christmas Carol Cutouts*
December 2004

A New Day in America
November 2004

Vote These Days Party '04
October 2004

A Bug's Life
May 2004

Outsourcing? Outstanding!*
April 2004

Can You Hear Me Now? (click!)*
November 2003

Hollywood Halloween Horrors
October 2003

(Not) Reality TV
September 2003

What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation*
August 2003

Show Me The Way To Go Home (Depot)
June 2003

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man's Not Snoring*
May 2003

You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?
March 2003

Lost In The Super Market
February 2003

Happy New...1979?
January 2003

The THESE DAYS Job Fair
December 2002

This Movie Stinks! Really!
November 2002

Back In My (School) Day...
September 2002

Pass The SPF-90, Santa*
August 2002

Must See TV...or Else
June 2002

Unreal Estates*
May 2002

Spring (Cleaning) Has Sprung*
March 2002

Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide
December 2001

CAUTION! Hazardous Words!*
November 2001

Make A Wish, Blow Out The Punchcards*
August 2001

Will Bug Phones For Food
July 2001

The Phantom Critic Menace
June 2001

The Return of Saturn*
May 2001

Your Ad Here, And Here...*
March 2001

"Dave? What Happened, Dave?"
February 2001

"You Mean Dewey Didn't Beat Truman?"
January 2001

Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year*
December 2000

Florida Hosts "Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride"
November 2000

Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"
September 2000

Darwinism on the Highways
March 2000

Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!
February 2000

It's The End Of The World ... Again
December 1999

Regis Picks a President
November 1999

Too Much Information?
October 1999

That's My Final Answer
September 1999

8KShould Be Enough For Anyone
August 1999

The Fandom Manace
May 1999

Oxford's Word Search
March 1999

The THESE DAYS Awards, 1998!
January 1999

How The Grinch Saved Christmas -- A sequel (of sorts)*
December 1998

Counting My Blessings ... Sort of
November 1998

Movin' Right Along*
September 1998

And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor*
August 1998

Hug A Luddite
July 1998

Open Mouth, Taste Foot
June 1998

And Baby Makes Four*
May 1998

While You Were Out
April 1998

I'm Ronny, Fly Me*
March 1998

The Starr Chamber
February 1998

OK, Folks! Drink 'em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!
January 1998

Taming the Holiday Herd
December 1997

Dial R For Retaliation
November 1997

They Blinded Us With Science
October 1997

Call Mulder and Scully!
September 1997

A Nice Place To Visit?
August 1997

Great Taste, Less Dead People*
July 1997

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It
June 1997

New and Improved Reruns
May 1997

Cloning Around
April 1997

"Lose Weight! Ask Me How!"*
March 1997

You've Come a Long Way, Baby*
February 1997

1996: What Were We Thinking?
January 1997

Oh, Come, All Ye Grinches
December 1996

...And The Politicians Throwing Stones
November 1996

Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?
October 1996

Point & Click...& Click...& Click...& Click...
August 1996

Summertime Junk Food For The Mind
July 1996

I Carry My Brains In My Back Pocket*
June 1996

Spring Cleaning: Some Helpful Hints
May 1996

Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?
April 1996

Bigger? Better? Faster?
March 1996

Let's Do The Time Warp Again
February 1996
 

Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!

February 2000

Forgive me, readers, I'm about to sin. This news nugget is hitting its 14th minute on the Andy Warhol clock about now, so I tried to avoid it. For a pop-culture ranter like myself, however, a target this big is like waving a blank prescription pad in front of my cousin the hypochondriac. I'm talking about Fox TV's little 22 million-viewer debacle, "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?"

For the six people who haven't yet heard that phrase, the network that brought us such fare as "World's Wildest Psychotic Episodes" staged a bizarre beauty contest. 50 pretty young women volunteered to bare their, er, souls and show the world their willingness to marry a total stranger based on the size of the bulge in his pants. (I'm referring to his billfold. Slap yourself if you thought something else.) Real estate broker Rick Rockwell picked LA nurse Darva Conger based on the deep, rare connection you only feel with someone you know for 45 minutes, presents herself in a sexy outfit from 50 feet away, and announces her subservience to your needs.

Alas, according to MSN News, there was trouble in paradise. The world was shocked (maybe) when the unhappy couple announced a pending annulment because the Material Girl didn't want to marry the Wallet-in-Waiting without a long courtship. Also, unbeknownst to the show's producers, allegations surfaced about her fiancée/financier's coffers not being quite as full as he claimed.

Did anyone involved with the show even notice the title was not "Who Wants to Be Introduced to, Get Acquainted With, and Maybe Even Have an Honest Relationship to Validate Her Sham Marriage to a Guy Who Claims He Just Might Be a Multi-Millionaire?"

Conger is now on the TV interview circuit doing spin control on her image. (Ironically, fellow womanly-favors-for-financial-advancement celebrity Monica Lewinski is out doing the same thing. Say what you will, at least Ms. L met with her man-in-power in secret rather than answer a cattle call on TV for a pageant/game show called "Who Wants to Do the President?") She claims she did the show on a lark, though 44 million eyes watched her say "I do." In a wedding dress. In an official ceremony. In front of an actual judge. Here's a good rule of thumb to live by: "Whenever you are brought before a judge for any reason, pay attention - it might be important."

The blushing bride also said her Prince Smarming isn't "the kind of man I'd be attracted to" (i.e. rich AND good-looking). Would a show that marries off rich people attract a multi-millionaire whose face doesn't look like carved pumice rock? A Richard Branson doesn't need to rely on a TV show to line up prospective mates, a Ross Perot does. (I would've loved to see the bride's face as the mystery man came out from behind the screen...and was revealed to be Tom Arnold.) Poor Darva is now left to nurse her broken heart with her $35K ring, a big check, and a new SUV, her consolation prizes for stepping up to the plate.

After the news of the annulment broke (and women's groups protested the show looked like a bikini-laden dessert tray), Fox announced they were killing the idea of an ongoing "Multi-Millionaire" series for both male and female gold-diggers, as well as all their reality-based programming. So I guess one person's missed shot at the title is worth upping the average IQ of Fox's weekly schedule. Maybe I can even sell taped episodes of "When In-Laws Attack" as collector's items on eBay.

It is a shame, though, that the series was cancelled before the "Millionairess" episode happened. I had my tux all ready, and I heard Leona Helmsley is dating again.

 

[UPDATE: Ms. Conger just recently appeared in Playboy so that she could "set the record straight." Nothing quite like posing in the bare-all for buckets of greenbacks to prove what an innocent, naiive victim one is. Maybe she believes men really do buy the mag for the articles.

As for the we're-so-sorry Fox network, their new reality shows for 2001 will include a "Survivor"-like show where bikini-clad nymphettes will try to tempt castaways into cheating on their partner. Glad to see they've cleaned up their act.]


LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

backThese Days Home

 
Dan O'Leary is a contributor to New Jersey Lifestyle Magazine.

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."

Web Page and Essays Copyright © Dan O'Leary
dano@cybercomm.net