Writer's Block Ahead

[THESE DAYS: A Commentary]
A collection of attempted humor by Dan O'Leary


COLUMNS
(* - Reader's Pick)
Pluto Downsized
August 2006

Farewell, Ted and Gloria
March 2006

Cheney's Got a Gun
February 2006

How Deadly is That Sin?*
December 2005

Back to Skool*
September 2005

Little Tykes, Big Bucks*
August 2005

FYI: the 411 on TXT
July 2005

Hot Topics
June 2005

Brought To You By The Letters OMG*
April 2005

Christmas Carol Cutouts*
December 2004

A New Day in America
November 2004

Vote These Days Party '04
October 2004

A Bug's Life
May 2004

Outsourcing? Outstanding!*
April 2004

Can You Hear Me Now? (click!)*
November 2003

Hollywood Halloween Horrors
October 2003

(Not) Reality TV
September 2003

What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation*
August 2003

Show Me The Way To Go Home (Depot)
June 2003

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man's Not Snoring*
May 2003

You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?
March 2003

Lost In The Super Market
February 2003

Happy New...1979?
January 2003

The THESE DAYS Job Fair
December 2002

This Movie Stinks! Really!
November 2002

Back In My (School) Day...
September 2002

Pass The SPF-90, Santa*
August 2002

Must See TV...or Else
June 2002

Unreal Estates*
May 2002

Spring (Cleaning) Has Sprung*
March 2002

Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide
December 2001

CAUTION! Hazardous Words!*
November 2001

Make A Wish, Blow Out The Punchcards*
August 2001

Will Bug Phones For Food
July 2001

The Phantom Critic Menace
June 2001

The Return of Saturn*
May 2001

Your Ad Here, And Here...*
March 2001

"Dave? What Happened, Dave?"
February 2001

"You Mean Dewey Didn't Beat Truman?"
January 2001

Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year*
December 2000

Florida Hosts "Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride"
November 2000

Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"
September 2000

Darwinism on the Highways
March 2000

Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!
February 2000

It's The End Of The World ... Again
December 1999

Regis Picks a President
November 1999

Too Much Information?
October 1999

That's My Final Answer
September 1999

8KShould Be Enough For Anyone
August 1999

The Fandom Manace
May 1999

Oxford's Word Search
March 1999

The THESE DAYS Awards, 1998!
January 1999

How The Grinch Saved Christmas -- A sequel (of sorts)*
December 1998

Counting My Blessings ... Sort of
November 1998

Movin' Right Along*
September 1998

And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor*
August 1998

Hug A Luddite
July 1998

Open Mouth, Taste Foot
June 1998

And Baby Makes Four*
May 1998

While You Were Out
April 1998

I'm Ronny, Fly Me*
March 1998

The Starr Chamber
February 1998

OK, Folks! Drink 'em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!
January 1998

Taming the Holiday Herd
December 1997

Dial R For Retaliation
November 1997

They Blinded Us With Science
October 1997

Call Mulder and Scully!
September 1997

A Nice Place To Visit?
August 1997

Great Taste, Less Dead People*
July 1997

When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It
June 1997

New and Improved Reruns
May 1997

Cloning Around
April 1997

"Lose Weight! Ask Me How!"*
March 1997

You've Come a Long Way, Baby*
February 1997

1996: What Were We Thinking?
January 1997

Oh, Come, All Ye Grinches
December 1996

...And The Politicians Throwing Stones
November 1996

Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?
October 1996

Point & Click...& Click...& Click...& Click...
August 1996

Summertime Junk Food For The Mind
July 1996

I Carry My Brains In My Back Pocket*
June 1996

Spring Cleaning: Some Helpful Hints
May 1996

Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?
April 1996

Bigger? Better? Faster?
March 1996

Let's Do The Time Warp Again
February 1996
 

What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation

August 2003

Ah, the warm sunny weather is finally here. Unfortunately, the summer is already half over. Most Americans spent the first half of this wet summer staring at The Weather Channel asking when they could go outside without umbrellas and hip waders. If you're wondering where to start to maximize your summer enjoyment, here are some great suggestions to make your remaining summer season memorable.

My favorite summer destination has always been the beach. When sunbathing, always use sunburn protection on your skin, since the damaged ozone layer has turned the sky into a giant solar magnifying glass with you as the bug. You should also be aware of the typical, everyday ocean hazards, such as schools of jellyfish, reefs of coral, or, if you live near New York City, roving gangs of floating medical waste. (Though swimming near New York City over the years gives most Big Apple beachgoers a Teflon-like skin coating, allowing them to slip past these dangers.)

Many people flock to amusement and theme parks this time of year. If you plan to visit one this summer, remember that you may spend some of your park time on ride lines. The wait time will be roughly equal to your local grocery store's non-express checkout lane manned by a cashier trainee with no arms, who only speaks ancient Aramaic and must make change by mentally converting all currencies to Russian rubles. Or, half the length of the average line at the Motor Vehicles office. Here are some activities to help pass the waiting time.

THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING ON RIDE QUEUES:
  1. Read War and Peace
  2. Write War and Peace
  3. Recite every English word containing the letter "e"
  4. Transcribe all 13 volumes of Marcelle Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past" into Pig-Latin
  5. Evolve

Some prefer to answer the call of the open road and take long car trips. If planning a road trip with children, take frequent breaks to avoid tensions between young passengers. Scientists at the THESE DAYS labs have discovered the friction of spinning tires generates a field of static electricity in the middle of the car, and centered around the back seat. This field affects small children, who suddenly feel their arms shoot out and smack the nearest living body within reach. This is why when two perfectly normal kids stay in the back seat for more than ten minutes of any road trip, the middle of the car will erupt with the sounds of, "Mom! Jimmy's hitting me again..." "No, I didn't..." "DAD...!"

For Hollywood, summer is always blockbuster season. If you're a movie buff, make sure to check out the fine, intriguing, original fare at your local theater. Such as the "Bad Boys" sequel, the "Matrix" sequel, the "Terminator" sequel, the "X-Men" sequel, and the "American Pie" sequel. There's also the film based on the old comic book, the other film based on the old comic book, the film based on the "American Idol" kids, the film based on the TV cop show, and the film based on the sequels of "Jason" and "Freddy Kruger" movies. The possibilities are endless!

For people who really love the Great Outdoors and want to get in touch with their inner Grizzly Adams, camping in woods is a great activity. There's nothing quite like "roughing it" to become one with nature. Of course, my idea of "roughing it" means leaving the DVD player home because the portable generator only provides enough power to run the TV, boom box, portable heater, toaster oven, GPS unit, and laptop computer (WITHOUT wireless Internet...that would be cheating the camping experience).

There's a good start, now get out there and start enjoying your summer. I'll be heading off too -- I've got hours of Weather Channel tapes to get through.


LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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Dan O'Leary is a contributor to New Jersey Lifestyle Magazine.

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."

Web Page and Essays Copyright © Dan O'Leary
dano@cybercomm.net