1996: What Were We Thinking?

December 1996

I write this as 1996 draws to a close, less than a week away from champagne toasts, Auld Lang Syne and Dick Clark. (It seems strange to celebrate the passage of time with a man who doesn't age. Why not someone who can appreciate surviving another year? Keith Richards, for example.) As every TV news show and magazine under the sun prepares their annual Year in Review articles, I thought I might add my own.

We learned of possible life on Mars this year. The Martians probably moved away to find better neighbors. I don't blame them, since 1996 proved to be a big year for dumb people doing dumb things. Every day, the news brought us more silliness to make us scratch our heads.

"Tickle-Me Elmo" was the top toy this Christmas, as parents paid up to $3500 for a doll that will retail for $19.95 by June. How exactly does the fool get his money to part with in the first place?

The top money-making movie of the year, "Independence Day," had an inane plot featuring aliens with Macintosh-compatible computers. (The very earthly computer this article was typed on isn't Mac compatible!) "Forrest Gump" won big in the Oscars, proving America's love for simple-minded people.

Speaking of such, silicon magnet Pamela Anderson made news by having a baby with, filing for divorce from, then reconciling with her rock star husband of one year. She's also written an autobiography which includes a chapter entitled "The History of My Breasts." (Nothing I write can make that sound any sillier.)

In the "Why Do We Care?" Department, Madonna also gave birth after advertising for a father in the newspapers and causing weeks of media attention; my wife gives birth in two weeks, but I doubt Entertainment Tonight will be filming it. Michael Jackson divorced Lisa Marie Presley (somewhere, in a McDonalds in Michigan, Elvis breathes a sigh of relief) to marry a pregnant Debbie Rowe, and fellow pop weirdo Prince (or "The Ego Formerly Known as a Human Being") married belly dancer Mayte Garcia. Scientists are still trying to figure out the genetic consommé on both couples' offspring.

Though not an actual wedding, Technicolor athlete Dennis Rodman, who got more press about his hair colors than his rebounds (apparently vying for that coveted Crayola endorsement), made his wedding announcement, and showed up in a bride's dress to promote his book. ("No, Dennis! We said go and ADDRESS the crowd!")

1996 was also the Year of the Macarena, a thirty year-old dance song covered by Los Del Rio. With a dozen versions of the song in movies, commercials and on the radio, it's a sure bet you'll be hearing it at every wedding reception for the next ten years. The artists claim mothers tell them they love the song so much they named their newborn daughters Macarena. I hope this is a new custom, since I'd hate to think there are now-teenaged girls out there named Hustle.

Among the few not dancing were the armed mixed nuts in Montana, who confused refusing to bathe with political protest. Fortunately, the BATF, armed with cases of Lifeboy and Head & Shoulders, eventually shut them down.

After the strangeness of 1996, who knows what 1997 will hold? I'm remaining optimistic, hoping we'll find our collective cultural brains and start evolving again. It might even bring the Martians back.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

These Days Home

He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."