COLUMNS
(* - Reader's Pick)
Pluto Downsized
August 2006
Farewell, Ted and Gloria
March 2006
Cheney's Got a Gun
February 2006
How Deadly is That Sin?*
December 2005
Back to Skool*
September 2005
Little Tykes, Big Bucks*
August 2005
FYI: the 411 on TXT
July 2005
Hot Topics
June 2005
Brought To You By The Letters OMG*
April 2005
Christmas Carol Cutouts*
December 2004
A New Day in America
November 2004
Vote These Days Party '04
October 2004
A Bug's Life
May 2004
Outsourcing? Outstanding!*
April 2004
Can You Hear Me Now? (click!)*
November 2003
Hollywood Halloween Horrors
October 2003
(Not) Reality TV
September 2003
What I'll Do On My Summer Vacation*
August 2003
Show Me The Way To Go Home (Depot)
June 2003
It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Old Man's Not Snoring*
May 2003
You Want Fries With That Lawsuit?
March 2003
Lost In The Super Market
February 2003
Happy New...1979?
January 2003
The THESE DAYS Job Fair
December 2002
This Movie Stinks! Really!
November 2002
Back In My (School) Day...
September 2002
Pass The SPF-90, Santa*
August 2002
Must See TV...or Else
June 2002
Unreal Estates*
May 2002
Spring (Cleaning) Has Sprung*
March 2002
Your Handy Holiday Shopping Guide
December 2001
CAUTION! Hazardous Words!*
November 2001
Make A Wish, Blow Out The Punchcards*
August 2001
Will Bug Phones For Food
July 2001
The Phantom Critic Menace
June 2001
The Return of Saturn*
May 2001
Your Ad Here, And Here...*
March 2001
"Dave? What Happened, Dave?"
February 2001
"You Mean Dewey Didn't Beat Truman?"
January 2001
Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year*
December 2000
Florida Hosts "Mr. Democracy's Wild Ride"
November 2000
Now Playing -- "It's A Wonderful Life of Brian"
September 2000
Darwinism on the Highways
March 2000
Hey, Guys...Darva Conger's Single Again!
February 2000
It's The End Of The World ... Again
December 1999
Regis Picks a President
November 1999
Too Much Information?
October 1999
That's My Final Answer
September 1999
8KShould Be Enough For Anyone
August 1999
The Fandom Manace
May 1999
Oxford's Word Search
March 1999
The THESE DAYS Awards, 1998!
January 1999
How The Grinch Saved Christmas -- A sequel (of sorts)*
December 1998
Counting My Blessings ... Sort of
November 1998
Movin' Right Along*
September 1998
And Now, A Warning From Our Sponsor*
August 1998
Hug A Luddite
July 1998
Open Mouth, Taste Foot
June 1998
And Baby Makes Four*
May 1998
While You Were Out
April 1998
I'm Ronny, Fly Me*
March 1998
The Starr Chamber
February 1998
OK, Folks! Drink 'em Up! 1997 Is Now Closed!
January 1998
Taming the Holiday Herd
December 1997
Dial R For Retaliation
November 1997
They Blinded Us With Science
October 1997
Call Mulder and Scully!
September 1997
A Nice Place To Visit?
August 1997
Great Taste, Less Dead People*
July 1997
When A Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It
June 1997
New and Improved Reruns
May 1997
Cloning Around
April 1997
"Lose Weight! Ask Me How!"*
March 1997
You've Come a Long Way, Baby*
February 1997
1996: What Were We Thinking?
January 1997
Oh, Come, All Ye Grinches
December 1996
...And The Politicians Throwing Stones
November 1996
Wanna See Something REALLY Scary?
October 1996
Point & Click...& Click...& Click...& Click...
August 1996
Summertime Junk Food For The Mind
July 1996
I Carry My Brains In My Back Pocket*
June 1996
Spring Cleaning: Some Helpful Hints
May 1996
Does Your Snowman Have Sunblock?
April 1996
Bigger? Better? Faster?
March 1996
Let's Do The Time Warp Again
February 1996
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Pluto Gets Downsized
August 2006
THE SOLAR SYSTEM
Milky Way spiral galaxy
Western Arm
TO: Sol #9, "Pluto"
Dear Valued Celestial Body:
It has come to our attention that recent changes in standard
astronomy guidelines have impacted your status in our Solar
System. New technologies have changed the way we do our business and
have negatively affected your classification. Due to these changes, we
regret to inform you that your services as a "planet" are no longer
needed.
Your new classification has just been created, but as of yet, has no
title. "Dwarf planet," "pluton," and "plutonian object" have been
suggested, but management is currently undecided. Therefore, your
"planet" status has been downgraded to the temporary "Floating Ball of
Dirt" status.
We would appreciate your flexibility during this transitional period of
planetary outplacement. You will need to return your key to the
Planetary Washroom, as well as your Platinum Solar Express card. Your
invitation to Jupiter's annual planetary social gathering has been
rescinded.
It has been requested that you refrain from making any purchases for
the near future, as most of your allotted celestial budget will be used
toward the transition. We are currently purchasing several million
gallons of White Out fluid to correct the decades of textbooks that
mention your former vocation. Phil in Graphic Arts has already begun
Photoshopping out your image from every NASA image depicting nine
planets. And the Walt Disney Company is currently negotiating a
settlement on the cost to rename Mickey Mouse's dog.
You will be joined in your new department by several other "Floating
Balls of Dirt," such as the recently discovered Xena, currently in a
nearby orbit to your own, as well as Ceres, a former asteroid between
Mars and Jupiter who has been upgraded to FBoD. We are sure you will
assist the young Ceres in his new duties; we expect great things from
him in the future.
We would also request that you refrain from any emotional outbursts in
the workplace. It is believed by some that you should have anticipated
this was coming. When Clyde Tombaugh discovered you in 1930, there was
an error in your original size estimates. Your failure to correct this
assumption on your job application was a black mark on your record, as
well as your erratic orbit often crossing paths with your coworker
Neptune. Our apologies, but the verbatims on Neptune's numerous
complaints on you are in a secure file and cannot be disclosed.
We understand that change can be difficult. For example, we are
saddened to hear that Charon, your satellite, has announced she's
leaving you because of your demotion. Try not to look at this
transition as a step down, but as a chance to try new things. Perhaps
there are new opportunities out there that are only available to
Floating Balls of Dirt. We've taken the liberty of arranging an
appointment with Bernice from Astro Resources for a consultation.
We wish you the best of luck, Pluto, and will be checking in from time
to time to see how you're adjusting. Astronomers everywhere will be
keeping an eye on you. Well, at least when they're not busy looking at
more important objects.
LEGAL STUFF:
All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights
reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.
 These Days Home
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Dan O'Leary is a contributor to New Jersey Lifestyle Magazine.
He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.
Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.
Since
his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured
on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense,"
Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what
everyone else says."
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