Surviving The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

December 2000

Well, here we are again deep within the holiday season. This time of year can be stressful (my credit cards are still healing from last year) so as a public service I've put together this handy Holiday Shopper Survival Guide. I hope the tips below help you through these last shopping days without resorting to heavy sedation.

This is the biggest shopping season of the year and stores are a little more crowded than usual. Kinda like Woodstock minus the mud. It's important to leave enough time to shop, especially when you have to park the car in a space three area codes from the mall entrance and the checkout lines are longer than the ride queues at Disney World.

Not everyone allows enough shopping time, however. If confronted by some rushing Christmas quarterback who hasn't grasped the concept of manners, don't let their bad attitude rub off on you. Calmly explain to the consumer commando we're all adults, everyone will get a turn, and that shoving you doesn't make the line move faster. If that fails, you can usually stun him with a blow to the back of the head with your shopping bags. Always remember to wear protective gear before entering any store after December 15.

Some people prefer the electronic approach and shop on the Internet. Online shopping is convenient, but make sure the site you shop on has the proper security before you start sending your credit card numbers out into cyberspace. No one needs to receive a surprise MasterCard bill for $5,000 of adult merchandise and an e-mail that says, "Thanks for a great holiday. God bless us, everyone," from lovemaster@aol.com.

Whichever way you shop, it's easy to go overboard and overspend. Kids absolutely must have the latest gotta-have-it toy, be it Pokémon, Digimon, Wasteofmóneymon, or whatever. And we can't forget Aunt Sally who swears she doesn't want anything big this year, but keeps a gift registry at the Louvre. Since none of us are lottery winners (you wouldn't be reading about shopping tips if you were) we should keep our limits in mind when picking the right gift. Then we won't spend the next year paying bills for one month of livin' la Visa loca.

Finally, the most important tip is that, at the end of the day, none of this stuff is really important. Years from now, we won't remember the financial acrobatics, the long lines, who gave us the DVD player and who gave us McDonald's gift certificates. We'll remember smiles and laughter. We'll remember the great feeling when someone close to us said "Merry Christmas" and really meant it. We'll remember watching a child's face when he opened up his gifts, or when that child gave us that home-made present made out of Popsicle sticks, glue, construction paper, some mysterious insect from the back yard, and lots of love.

So enjoy the holiday season, and just forget about all the bad stuff. If I really wanted to remember my holiday headaches, I'd fill my photo albums with pictures of me on checkout lines -- standing next to the shopper lying unconscious at my feet.

Happy holidays to all.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."