...And The Politicians Throwing Stones

November 1996

Time to look at the sticky subject of politics, and that special day we Americans await each November...the day after the elections, when we can turn on our TVs without being subjected to more mudslinging campaign commercials. We've all seen how these things can escalate:

"Mr. X voted to tax the air we breathe, and gave himself a 500% pay raise..."

"Oh, yeah? Well, Mr. Y tried to legalize public floggings, and has been caught in compromising positions with farm animals..."

"Mr. X wants to cut health care for people with vowels in their last name, and has taken payoffs from aliens..."

We sift through it all each year, try to pick the least crooked of the crooks, and pray they won't lead us further into the abyss. Maybe if they told us what solutions they have rather than how much worse the other guy is, the elections wouldn't feel like a choice between the lesser of two morons.

Speaking of choice, when exactly did the Presidential race become an Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dumb decision anyhow? The Dems and GOPs spend all their time bashing each other, and smaller parties have few outlets to publicly explain themselves. It's kind of like having a restaurant full of food, and only getting to choose between "white bread" and "white bread." Couldn't we use those boatloads of money for the big party conventions to give airtime to someone new for a couple of minutes? They just might tell us something other than the fact our two prime candidates are clueless nimrods.

It's time we added some different choices to our electoral menu. Remember the These Days "Diet Meal" theory: eat enough dietetic food and you'll eventually think, "Y'know, cardboard doesn't taste that bad once you get used to it." Maybe after dining on cardboard candidates so long, our political palettes can't tell the difference anymore.

Therefore, I propose a new system. I suggest we draft the perfect Zen President: someone too smart to want the job in the first place. We search out and draft a number of candidates with an IQ higher than lawn furniture (double our current standard), and pick the best choice. The sooner they get things accomplished, the sooner they get to retire. Sounds motivational to me. I'd much rather choose someone with a clue over another guy in a glass house with a handful of stones. Let's elect an Albert Einstein, not another Al D'Amato.

LEGAL STUFF: All content copyright © 1996-2006 Daniel O'Leary. All rights reserved. No unauthorized duplication, publication, or distribution.

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He has previously written online editorials to NJ-shout.com (RIP), Great Society.org, and Songsource.com, among others. He has also been featured in ShoreGuide and AbsoluteWrite.com.

Dan is a current member of the NetWits humorist's collective.

Since his early twenties, Dan's writings have also been prominently featured on the refrigerator in his parents' home. "Sure, they make no sense," Mrs. O'Leary comments, "but we're proud of him -- no matter what everyone else says."